Ups and downs in life

Sometimes life feels really unfair, I just had a lot of things falling in place the last year. I felt stronger and more confident. I did a lot of soulsearching and found what I wanted to do. I applied for a masters degre and got accepted. I was figuring things out with the person my heart had been cirkeling around for a long time and I was feeling like I was at a really good spot in rollerderby.

I went home to Sweden and applied for my student visa, since I have a BA from a University in US,  a masters from a US University makes more sense. And I got a NO.

I seriously felt like I was going to throw up, my entire lifeplan sort of got turned over and I called my best friend and cried. I wanted this education really bad, and I wanted to end the season with the team that I had worked really hard with all season. It was heartbreaking in all sorts of ways. I miss my friends and I miss the freedom of doing what I wantto do, the freedom of follow my own heart and choices.

I am figuring things out, and of course I know that it's a first world problem. I am not starving and I have a job. I signed up for classes in Stockholm and been walking in the woods and loving the nature. I have been working out lot's and I am probably more fit than I've ever been. I have even started to run... and that my friends, is crazytalk in my world.

At Good To Go with Loony, Dominå, Calla and Smashed

I have amazing friends here and I have no right to complain, still, it is not a great spot to be in. This is not what I wanted, this is not what I planned for. I broke down the weekend Gotham played at playoffs, I wanted to be there so bad. I miss the team so much! I am also really sad I am missing ManChamps this weekend with Shock. I would have loved to be on the bench supporting my guys!

Things just don't work out the way you expect them to all the time, and I guess you can only do your best. Smile when you cry on the inside and pick up another book on the subject you want to study. In the end it is only you who limit yourself, your thoughts on what you can do... but also... I can't manipulate the thoughts of immigration... so my limits acctually are there...

The best part has been all the nature... Fresh air and woods... 

QX Gaygala 2014

The cast of Flator (see me hiding flexing my arms)

I have never been to the QX Gaygala before, it's the Swedish Annual Gay Awards. Since I never do anythign halfassed when I do it, I entered the stage TWICE... once on skates and once off-skates. I felt accomplished and then I danced in heels for hours.

Things I accomplished yesterday:

Me, Amy and Loony getting ready for the stage

- Got down a set of stairs in my skates together with Amy and Loony, not falling flat on my face or stumbling over each other.

- Danced with a dragqueen on stage in my skates... I was ALMOST taller. (she rocked)

- Met my mothers hairdresser AND my hairdresser

- Met a guy that I went to highschool with, he's gay, I'm gay, neither of us where back then, we didn't know each other then, but I apperently look just the same! YES, I DO love this guy now!

- The trailer for the TV-series I'm in this spring was shown on the big screen on stage, and we all went on stage to present the Movie of theYear.

- I got to say "AND THE NOMINEES FOR THE BEST MOVIE ARE: "

- And then I said "AND THE BEST MOVIE OF 2014 ACCORDING TO THE QX READERS ARE: BLÅ ÄR DEN VARMASTE FÄRGEN" (I thought I was going to DIE at this point)

- I pounded a beer to calm my nerves after all that, thanks Fru Matilda and Maria for providing me with those beers.

- Wore red lipstick for a hot moment because I thought it was funny, until I forgot about the lipstick and wiped my mouth... Yeah, probably a reason why people see a resemblance between me and Courtney Love.

- Pussy Riot as suprise guests and lot's of talk about Russia in general. What's wrong with the world? The girl who got awarded Hetro of the Year was Emma Green Tregaro, who wore rainbow nailpolish at worlds in Russia this summer. There are moments in all this glitter and glam you are reminded that we aer so fortune to live in a country like Sweden, where we freely can express our love to the one we love.

- Photobombed a photo with PussyRiot without first grasping it was two members of PussyRiot, not until they started to speak Russian...

Photobombing.... 

- Met a whole bunch of really interesting new  bunch of gay gays. Like really? Where have you been all my life!

- Hung out with a bunch of dragqueens, and got to lay my head on the most gigantic boobs I have ever seen... (not real) *very pleased*

- Danced in heels, and my legs/feet HATE me today. But dancing was hella fun and totally worth it!

- Spent money on a cab to go home... to sleep four hours before work...

We went to HighSchhol together in Malung

And this whole shebang will be sent 

Vagine Regime Nordic in Helsinki

I had such a great weekend playing with friends against Kallio Rolling Rainbow this weekend. Pick-up teams are fun when everyone are great skaters and you just all of a sudden start to play so well with each other.
I really had a SUPERFUN weekend, and I was excited to see Only and get to hang out with her and catch up...

This bout was a charity promoting Equal Marrige Rights in Fnalnd, and it was announced by Miss Gay Finland, two things that are really cool! This really turned out to be one of hte best weekend in a long time, of course I love playing with Stockholm, it's my home leauge and we have longterm goals and strive to climb into Division two and up... With Vagine Regime Nordic it was about gettign to skate with other fellow amazing skating queers and just have fun! It was of course extra fun to win, but it was not the main point.

Bout really was fun and superphysical and we ended up only being 10 ppl on the roster, due to some injuries and last minute cancellations. Everyone seemed to ahve sooo much fun, and everyone just played so well! We sold all the merch we had printed and enjoyed an afterparty with Samiakki, longdrinks, lipsyncing trannies and great company!

Oh, I was awarded Best Blocker, Loony got best Jammer and Chaos got MVP - so I guess the Stockholm Queers really represented... but everyone did amazing, Sabo did some amazing offence while Martattack probably are one of the best positional blockers in Europe, her footwork is sooo amazing, I want it! It was also superfun to get to share some tracktime with Becky, since we usually never play in the same line. Oh and I had ONE penalty the entire game, not as good as when I played Paris last weekend when I only NO penaltys... but one is good and MUCH better than lots of bouts I have played. Penatlys are BAD, and I wanna be a good girrrrl...


We totally will get the Queers together again if anyone wanna play us again! Thank you so much Kallio for inviting us, it was a freaking BLAST!

AND it's just two more days until my girlfriend will be in Stockholm... I am sooo excited and a tiny bit nervous! Like damn, meeting my family and celebrating Christmas together!

Helsinki two bouts and friendtime

So I flew straight into Helsinki from Portland, into the arms of one of my best friends in the whole wide world: ONLY! I hate that she has moved back to Helsinki, and I liss her soooo much, both as a friend and as a player on my team. I am happy for her that she has found love in Helsinki and she get to be close to her teenage daughter (yes she has one of those). She deserve to be happy and I want her to be happy! BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME MISS HER ANY LESS!

Well, so when i came into Helsinki she got off work a little early and we went to her and Pygmes house and she made me soup and we caught up. I probably just babbeled all about Portland forever and ever and she told me the latest news on her life. Then Pygme came home and laughted at me saying htat Only was a very reasonable and easygoing person... we also established that Pyme is short and I am tall (BIG SUPRISES)

Me TALL you SHORT... any questions? 

Later that night Amy and Loony arrived, so we jumped into the SAUNA and drank some alcoholfree beer and prepared for the bout next day... being among frienemies.

I get coffee = mesohappy

Boutday was kicked off by a long walk to get food, and then we ate food before we went to the venue and met up with our teams. The bout itself was intense, Kallio early took the lead adn kept on chipping away, but at halftime we managed to get ourself togheter and start to chip away on that lead. And of course it all came down to the last jam, and guess what, WE WON!

Squeeeze! Kallio and Stockholm! 

I felt like I played really well, and I was awarded Best Blocker, and I got SUPERHAPPY by the award! After the bout we went back to Onlys place, tried to cook of the few things we found in the refrigerator... SAUNA again and then sleep, since Sunday was boutday AGAIN... this time a WFTDA sanctioned game against Helsinki, that beat us last time we played them. 

When you stand in a middle of a wedding...

...you realize what you want, that you need to follow your heart - because otherwise nothign will ever be true! You can't live the life that everyone else told you that you should, only you can chose your own path, and your own sucess and your own lifepartner. Thanks Rotation and Shevil for getting marries so I could have a life-revelation...

I just recently have understood how hard it was for me to come out, not to my friends and family, but to myself. I am that person, that just had a hard time to accept myself, I always knew I was different, I just didn't want to be different, and the harder I fought aginst it the more obvious it became to the rest of the world.. It was just right there and then when two dear friends that got married, that I understood, that why do I doubt things so much, why do I question myself, when I know how I feel really deep down, why do I date when I feel nothing? I can't be with someone just not to feel alone, because that just isn't me. I realized how I had to buckle up and follow my heart, even if it was beyond complicated. You gotta live and love!

I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be told that I am adorable and amazing, I want to be inspired to climb mountains, to write fairytales, to sleep under starry skies. I want to share my anxiety and my joy, and I want my heart to sing everytime I hear her voice. I want our eyes to burn and tickle each others skin.  That is what i want to feel, so I went for it, right or wrong, only time can tell.

This post says absolutley nothing and everything - but for me it's all so clear now. Go, and go in peace with yourself, you can lie for the rest of the world, but don't lie to yourself just because it's easier. I am proud of being me! You can't take the easy way out, becase it will be the harder way in the longrun.

Oh and by the way me, Loony, Kix and Kim are representing Stockholm Rollerderby in the last issue of QX. QX is a free gay magazine here in Sweden... it's sort of really cool! I think it's cool at least...

Looking good in the neighbourhood...

Swedish Champions - Stockholm Rollerderby

Mary, Amy, me, Becky and Kim holding onto the Cup!

GOLD GOLD GOLD!

Stockholm Rollerderby - you are my love... Swedish Rollerderby - we are amazing! All teams showed up and played well! There still is quite a difference in the skill-level of the teams, but not even close to what it was like only two years ago.

Stockholm Rollerderby took home the win in the finals, and I am very proud of the focus and spirit my team played with, it was a pleasure to bench-coach. It made it worth all those days I've taken my broken ass to practice to run practice!

Smiles and derby - it's fun! Kix got best blocker of the tournament and Loony got best jammer, both very well deserved! Oh, and Foxen from Västerås got tournamnet MVP.


AND WE GOT A BIG TROPHE CUP!

OH, OH... and the finals were streamed on Swedish Television!! YAY for rollerderby being recognized! 

An amazing weekend

Sometimes roads just end... Rudeass hitting the wall... 

This weekend was chill but quite awesome, it contained good company, good food, good friends, good movies and ice-skating... I woke up this morning and felt really relaxed and happy...

Saturday was mellow and I went to watch The Godfather on the big screen, and birthday present from Britta, and afterwards we made some version of a pasta carbonara. Before bed-time I swung by Minna and Maloonys move in party... Crash had made a very impressive vagina cake... I think it almost made me blush...

Weather on Sunday was stellar and the plan was to go to the movies all day (Gordfather II and III), but we played hookey and went for a walk and then ice-skating instead. I skipped derby practice, and I felt OK about it, and that my dear friends, does not happen very often. Life is supposed to be about fun and what you adore doing and the people you love in your life... It's about feeling appreciated and pushing yourself and the people around you to be the best they can be. 

Britta is fit for fight for some skating 

Crash is talented and yes - it made me blush

Last practice of 2012

First one hour of advanced practice and then mixed leauge. Mixed is also for the girls that have not passed minimum skills yet... I really, really, will miss derby those three weeks that I will not be skating... But on the fun side, I will be in Brazil and thinking about other things but skating!

warming up we even practiced some figureskating moves, i am terrible and Loony looks just as gracile as always!

Fluke is happy to be our reff

Loony loves the last practice of the year

I look silly as always

Bench coaching is fun

So this weekend out B-team played a double header. Me and Only were supposed to bench, but the flu caught her and Loony had to jump in and fill her spot! And as you know - you gotta dress to the occasion and so we did.. I was a little hard since I for sure was not recovered from the 3 days of confinement to bed in high fever... I do not recommend to bench two bouts in a row after a really horrid case of teh flu... but with some painkillers and a "spexig" outfit - I just had to keep on going... adn because I think our B-team needed us.
Our B-team is so amazing and we did our best under the circumstances... Makes me real proud of Swedish rollerderby! Both Gothenburg and the team that mostly was made up by Västerås did great. I love teh fact that slowly we aer growing this awesome sport, and I must say, I love the dressing up as a bench manager, even if I barley wear make-up skating anymore.
The STRD vs. GBG bout ended up to be a real nailbiter - it came down to the last jam as so many other bouts I've watched lately... yikes... but it was a well played bout both for our BSTRDs and by GBG.
I was also really impressed by Västerås and friends who played a 40 min bout against out B-team, they really held thir own...

Oh and the theme of the bout was November Pain....

Lonni as Axl Rose and me as the ''blond dude in the band''

A fun practice with an element of fitness...

Me and Loony ran practice yesterday, it has been a while since last. We like to run quite intense practices, but also try to throw somethign new in, and something fun... so we ended practice with some syncronized skating... that I tell you all I totally SUCK at... but it makes us all laugh and I mean, Bonnie Thunders was once a syncronized skater... so I am quite sure it will not make us any worse...

As I have said before, we don't have a place to skate, so we get random bookings, so we don't have the permanent days of practice anymore, so we just book and hope that our amazing girls can make it to practice... adn we had a good showing yesterday, the floor was nice and sticky, so I bet more than one of us will feel it in our quads and shins today.

I also threw in some push-ups, sit-ups and otehr strenght exersices for good measure... being fit will make you a MUCH better derby player... or at least a much longer lasting derby player... I now that when I get tired I am more likely to get minors and majors... and I am not much help to my team when I am in the box... taht is also why I think it is important to run practices that are high in intensity, you should be able and used to skating through when you are tired, you should fight til the end and being used to it..

Yesterday practice was one of those practices where I felt liek I was just having fun and playing around, but at the same time getting better, pushing myself to do new things... It was a very good feeling!

So ready to rock... oh yeah... we are sooo cute! 

Gothenburg vs. CCR B

Last weekend I took a roadtrip to Gothenburg with Kix and Kim, to go watch CCR' B-team play Gothenburg...
It was great to spend soem time just driving through a very beutiful Sweden, it always strikes me how amazing and striking my native country is, dressed up in orange, yellow and red leaves falling off. The sun is still just a tad warm, and winter is just sneaking up on us... Ahhh...
 last time they met about 8 month ago, CCR beat Gothenburg with over 100 points or somethign like that, I did have a feeling that Gothenburg had gotten much better, sicne tyhey been working really hard the past month... and that really showed during the bout.
It was a nailbiter, and both teams were fighting really hard, there was really great derby played, and I didn't know who to cheer for... CCR were better at pointprotecting while Gothenburg had amazing walls, that worked fantastic together.
It really isn't often that I get to watch derby, and I forgot how much fun it is to sit in the audicence and just watch... and I am acctually allowed to scream at the referees... (not that I ever would... right.... )

Four minutes left and it could go either way... (GBG to the left and CCR to the right)

CCR showing off their new bout shirts! 

Ready set go! 

Kix gives teh game and the afterparty two thumbs of two! 

Home From London...

I am finally home in my own bed... Ahhhhhhhh... My turn to sleep... Loony and Mary had gotten their fair share ;-)

Mary on the flight to Sweden

Mary and Loony on the train to Gatwick

Loony really sleeping hardcore - soon back home in Stockholm

Rugby Practice - a new sport?

When i was younger I was not so into sports - except from snowboarding and I would do some off-snow once in a while, just becuse I knew it would make me a better snowboarder. So for a few months 10 years ago I practiced with a rugbyteam here in Stockholm - I sucked, I was both scared of the ball, the other girls and the full contact part...

So I don't know what happened - but I love to work out - I feel shitty if I don't, and it makes my body feel great. I guess I use it as an excuse to eat everything that my heart desires... And my heart does desire lots and lots of candy, vegetables, marängswiss and more rice cakes...

So me and Becky were talking about that we should try rugby - don't ask me why - probably because its a full contact sport and we love a good challenge... And a week later I found a "try rugby with us" event on Facebook and knowing I should know better we signed up....
 I once dated a girl that I met when she was with her rugbyteam on a pub crawl and she was totally batcrazy (but also really AWESOME)... Yeah... but that did not end so well, but I guess all rugby girls don't have to be like that, and I'm not about to date anyone, just play the sport... I probably should know better than get involved in another full contact sport! Well, well...but  Ankefar from CCR also plays rugby - and her being one of Swedens best jammers - sort of made us quite sure that rugby at least wouldn't be bad for us...

We got there and the girls were superfriendly and we got to run, throw the ball, that really is not round, and therefore it's not a ball, we alls got to tackle big blue cushions - and even if I might have gotten a slight headache from teh violence of me throwing myself onto this big round cushion throwing myself to the ground, I was having a blast... It was wet and a little cold and I was really having a REALLY GOOD TIME! It was also quite nice to suck really bad, and just try, and try and try and fight to learn somethign new without any expectations to have any answers at all...

It was SUPERFUN - I loved it! Not as much fun as derby - but I always have room for more sports in my life...so maybe an option for those Tuesdays and Thursdays when I don't have derby practice...

Oh, and if you happen to live in Stockholm and wanna go try it next Tuesday... do it! I think we might go again...

If it's not round, it's not really a ball... right...?

Loony and Becky gettign ready to tackle our new sport...

Sometimes everything just makes you laugh!

Practice today was stellar - I was sooo tired going there after staying up late all weekend watching Northern Regionals (congrats to Windy for the win).
I totally was having a blast bouncing around on my skates and just being silly... Ahhh... I love moving my body, it makes me the happiest girl in the world! And I love the Stockholm skaters, all do hardworking and positive - forward, forward never straight... And pushing each other -we will get better - all of us! So after practice lots of us piled on the bus, and realized that we could use it to stretch on. We are still practicing outdoors and probably will until end of October... So it's becoming too chilly to stay and stretch there.
Firebird just moved here from CCR and was feeding me raisins - that is sugar - sugar makes me hyper... When I'm hyper I'm all over the place... I was all over the place! I love rollerderby and the people in it!!

WOW - the STRD version of a boyband... may I present Mary, RudeAss, Amy, Misfith and Firebird...

Monkeys streching on the bus

Okey everyone hurry to the bus...

Mary was screaming LESBIAN RODEO... People were impressed

Coaching in Gothenburg, again!

There is no one I love to coach with as much as Mad Maloony, we are both good induvidual coaches, but our coaching styles really complete each other and going on trips and coaching with her is something we both enjoy. Even that we no longer are a couple, we are still very good friends, and share lots of laughts and goals.
So this weekend she got invited to coach Gothenburg, and asked me to come with, and of course I could not say no to tha, because I love coaching Gothenburg. They are such fighters, and work really hard and push themselves, and it is great to see.
We were staying with Obi, and that was superduper awesome, she took the best care of us ever, picked us up at the train, fed us, gave us coffee, and made sure we got to a party with a drink in our hands and then home again in the rain.. .what else is there to a good host...? Oh, she also gave me a cane when my leg was hurting... so I could walk like the old lady I am!

Thanks so much to Gothenburg Rollerderby for inviting us to come coach! It was a nice weekend, even if it involved a 7 o'clock morning train on Saturday...

Getting ready to skate, skate, skate... 

A little sun and a walk before getting on the train - Loony and Obi

On the train going to Gothenburg

The rain while waiting for the tram

Beer at the suprise party

Fall is falling over us

The light nights and the flair of the summer that never came are already gone, we are now breathing in that short passage between summer and fall. People are returning to their jobs, returning to school, returning to practice, returning to the city I never left. Nights are dark, and I have to sleep with my nightlight, I miss something that was never there, I feel robbed, summer never arrived, it never took my breath away.

It is now dark and rainy

End of practice - Amy and Loony are watching a moth fly around in circles

Back from Rainy City

It's important to warm up before bout...

The team after the bout

We did so great - I am s proud of every player - each one of us! We played so well and it was a tight game, and we poured our souls and sweat into it! Becky and Twisted did a great job on the bench - and we loved to have them there. I will write more tomorrow... we might not have won the bout... but we for sure won the afterparty...

Packing - washing - leaving for airport

This year I was supposed to do less traveling, it did not really work out like that, I just done different traveling. I've travelled less for coaching and more for my own selfish rollerderby pleasure, and that is sad and fun at the same time. I love coaching, but at the same time I miss to just skate for my own damn sake and learn from others...

What to pack? does those look like Stockholm to you?

Still, this weekend Stockholm is playing Rainy City, and they have their venue right outside Manchester, a new travel first... so I'm once again washing and packing and getting ready for another airport ride to Arlanda to get on another flight. Airports has sort of lost their charm, but at the same time I have a special love for them.
So I have to remember passport, flight confirmation, the few pounds I have left from last trip, skates, pads, armbands, boutshirt, something to cover the ass up.. .what... hm.... boardshorts, hotpants, skorts, jeaggings? I miss packing with Loony - she is so much better at this than I am... I probably will finish packing about 10 mins before I have to leave for the airport... oh, I need to bring line-ups and my helmet too... ugh... what else... does everything fit in my backpack? Do I need more than one pair of shoes? If only one pair of shoes... converse or Nike?
Will it be sunny? Or will it rain? Should I bring a jacket? Wheels? What wheels should I bring? Stingers? Will they be to grippy? Should I stick with G-rods? I do like slide... ugha!
Oh, and painkillers, since I had an incident the other day... Kimizooka our new girl, who now is mine and Beckys Bro and personal trainer has given me some... oh...
I love to go on team trips... this is gonna be exciting.. .except from all those choices and the packing... ahhhh....

Happy Pride on and off skates...

Husse, me, Becky, Kim and Enoc being pretty...

Dress to success... This year we were quite a bunch in the Stockholm Pride Parade - it for soem reason always makes my eyes water a little, right before the parade starts... when I look around at all those people that are just like me, and so different. But we are all proud for what we are, and we are allowed to stand up for ourselves and our friends and all those that can't. I am very lucky to be born in Sweden, and I am very lucky to have such a caring family and circle of friends.
Being different, just hte slightest is not easy at all teh times, but being different is not a bad thing, we are all uniqe!
But a big thanks to my friends who made this Pride so amazing and fun... I have had dinners, pre-parties, mellow nights, crazy sweaty dancing and crazy colorful rolling parade-time... each one of you my friends are making my life worth living.

Variety of Swedish Leauges represented... Rollerderby rules!

Second day shooting music video

Second day of music video... 

And the dude was "JUST ONE MORE TIME"

Second day of music video - my blisters were getting worse and our energy was running low. Skating in small, small, small circles... yeah... so cool right now!