When you stand in a middle of a wedding...

...you realize what you want, that you need to follow your heart - because otherwise nothign will ever be true! You can't live the life that everyone else told you that you should, only you can chose your own path, and your own sucess and your own lifepartner. Thanks Rotation and Shevil for getting marries so I could have a life-revelation...

I just recently have understood how hard it was for me to come out, not to my friends and family, but to myself. I am that person, that just had a hard time to accept myself, I always knew I was different, I just didn't want to be different, and the harder I fought aginst it the more obvious it became to the rest of the world.. It was just right there and then when two dear friends that got married, that I understood, that why do I doubt things so much, why do I question myself, when I know how I feel really deep down, why do I date when I feel nothing? I can't be with someone just not to feel alone, because that just isn't me. I realized how I had to buckle up and follow my heart, even if it was beyond complicated. You gotta live and love!

I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be told that I am adorable and amazing, I want to be inspired to climb mountains, to write fairytales, to sleep under starry skies. I want to share my anxiety and my joy, and I want my heart to sing everytime I hear her voice. I want our eyes to burn and tickle each others skin.  That is what i want to feel, so I went for it, right or wrong, only time can tell.

This post says absolutley nothing and everything - but for me it's all so clear now. Go, and go in peace with yourself, you can lie for the rest of the world, but don't lie to yourself just because it's easier. I am proud of being me! You can't take the easy way out, becase it will be the harder way in the longrun.

Oh and by the way me, Loony, Kix and Kim are representing Stockholm Rollerderby in the last issue of QX. QX is a free gay magazine here in Sweden... it's sort of really cool! I think it's cool at least...

Looking good in the neighbourhood...

Swedish Champions - Stockholm Rollerderby

Mary, Amy, me, Becky and Kim holding onto the Cup!

GOLD GOLD GOLD!

Stockholm Rollerderby - you are my love... Swedish Rollerderby - we are amazing! All teams showed up and played well! There still is quite a difference in the skill-level of the teams, but not even close to what it was like only two years ago.

Stockholm Rollerderby took home the win in the finals, and I am very proud of the focus and spirit my team played with, it was a pleasure to bench-coach. It made it worth all those days I've taken my broken ass to practice to run practice!

Smiles and derby - it's fun! Kix got best blocker of the tournament and Loony got best jammer, both very well deserved! Oh, and Foxen from Västerås got tournamnet MVP.


AND WE GOT A BIG TROPHE CUP!

OH, OH... and the finals were streamed on Swedish Television!! YAY for rollerderby being recognized! 

Last night: Shopping for free!

AKA "Klädbytarkväll" (clothes exchanging night)... this was just sooo much fun! And it's so great for the environment, it saves you money and you totally update your wardrobe and your old clothes beome someones new cool clothes.

I think it's just a tad too small, I can't lift my arms

The concept is really easy and simple: Each person get to bring between one to ten items, clothes, shoes, acessories that they don't use anymore, but still think are great. I know we all have some items in our wardrobe that we really like, we just don't think it fit us, or something we bought on sale just to realize that it's just the wrong color. The clothes have to be clean and in nice condition, when you arrive to the "party" you put the clothes in a pile, and then it's just open for everyone to start looking through the things and grab whatever you think is amazing and cool...

Me, Amy and Kix being FAB

So I had about seven people turn up, and I think everyone left the switcheroo night feeling like they had something new, cool and fun with them. I got a awesome dress and sone shirts that will work amazing for work... and I had a great night with friends and we got to try all the clothes on...

We turned Kix into a VERY traditonal looking lesbian and then into a politican, and then we all decided we were Russian mailorder brides and I think we ended the dress-up with some Cabaret style clothes... I totally recommend doing this, it's environmental friendly, cheap, HILLERIOUS and you get to get rid of some clothes and gain some fun additons to your wardrobe!  

CABAREEEEEET... if you only kneeew...

So it is...

Time to make decisions, time to move forward, time to figure out what I want. It's hard when there is so much I want and only limited time!

Spent the day with Becky, Kix and Kim watching lesbian movies and eating - now off to scrimmage with new rules...

Drinking coffee with Kristina and Becky 

There is snow and cold outside... I love it! 

Life changes - and it's not that bad

Life is full of ups and downs - and 2012 was a down, down, down... Of course there ha been highlights and fun times, but I have had a struggle. I was burned out, I didn't stop and I possibly still have not stopped.

Friends, you are amazing - thanks for all the times you been there for me, and sorry for being such a mess.

 I will be there for you when you fall - just call! Thank you to all of you, you know who you are, you made me believe that trust and friendship is worth it!

Dinner at the derby collective with Kix, Becky and Madde

Suprise! We also got cheeeeze.. .adn some pears for Becky...

Last night was amazing, so unplanned and just great. We had dinner, and talked, ate some more, chatted, massaged each other, talked, and most important of all, we laughed and I felt alive, I felt at home.

WFTDA Champions watching...

Waiting for Gotham vs. Denver - Becky, Kim and Kix taking a nap...

During Oly vs. Minnesota

Me and Becky - we are broh's

Vegan venison stew... Becky, Dingus, Amy, Red and Kim

If you one day wanna play like the best, then you gotta watch and learn... so we spent all of the Saturday watching Championships... and it was great... Well, first me and Becky went running intervals, and then we went and watched the Royals bout...

Gothenburg vs. CCR B

Last weekend I took a roadtrip to Gothenburg with Kix and Kim, to go watch CCR' B-team play Gothenburg...
It was great to spend soem time just driving through a very beutiful Sweden, it always strikes me how amazing and striking my native country is, dressed up in orange, yellow and red leaves falling off. The sun is still just a tad warm, and winter is just sneaking up on us... Ahhh...
 last time they met about 8 month ago, CCR beat Gothenburg with over 100 points or somethign like that, I did have a feeling that Gothenburg had gotten much better, sicne tyhey been working really hard the past month... and that really showed during the bout.
It was a nailbiter, and both teams were fighting really hard, there was really great derby played, and I didn't know who to cheer for... CCR were better at pointprotecting while Gothenburg had amazing walls, that worked fantastic together.
It really isn't often that I get to watch derby, and I forgot how much fun it is to sit in the audicence and just watch... and I am acctually allowed to scream at the referees... (not that I ever would... right.... )

Four minutes left and it could go either way... (GBG to the left and CCR to the right)

CCR showing off their new bout shirts! 

Ready set go! 

Kix gives teh game and the afterparty two thumbs of two! 

Fun, fun and being exhausted...

Going home from practice, on the bus that take 30 min and then 10 min on the subway! Gonna make some food and watch Minnesota vs. Windy City... Yay... I am a nerd!

I was feeling tired and in a shitty mood e when I came to practice - I didnt really wanna be there at all - I would just rather have been home in bed. My throat is a little achy and I'm just exhausted from never getting enough sleep.

Still I go to practice - and almost every time I feel so much better after... Skating lifts my spirit - and we now have started to have off-skate practice 30 min before practice, I know I'm silly, but I love love love offskate - especially when I get sore! Mmmm... and windsprints...

Twins, twins, twins, twins...

And we also match... it is getting colder... Helly Hansen will keep us warm...

Back from Rainy City

It's important to warm up before bout...

The team after the bout

We did so great - I am s proud of every player - each one of us! We played so well and it was a tight game, and we poured our souls and sweat into it! Becky and Twisted did a great job on the bench - and we loved to have them there. I will write more tomorrow... we might not have won the bout... but we for sure won the afterparty...

Outdoor skate with parts of STRD

Ice, Becky, Swede, Kix and Only (Loony holding camera)

Yesterday was the first outdoor-skate of 2012... It happened around the new rollerderby collective, and involved some coffee, some running on grass and some falling down stairs...

Me and Loony started the day with a run, and my poor brother could not keep up, and then we did the crazy outdoor skate (there was snow here last weekend) and we rounded of the night with practice... Fun, fun off-skate with some explosive jumping... and on-skate preparing for Glasgow this weekend, working on things we realized we had to improve after playing London.

I think I will be a little sore today during accounting class... ahrgh...

Ah, I have a third derby wife!

Yes, this was very awkward...

Observe the fathers flowers in the mouth... and trannie mother

Ta daaaaa.... we are married after 2 years of engagement

May I present Smashed not Strrd! We had a lovley wedding during the Stockholm Rollerderby bonding weekend... Our priest Jazz Ass might have been very intoxicated and my derbyfathers Roffe and Krille almost missed the cermony due to unability to put clothes on... the father of the other bride Husse wore clothes worthy a trannie and the flowers were a doll, that Mad Maloony catched.... We did the plank and I picked Smashed up during the cermony and my bestman Kix bought me a stripper, who gave everyone lapdances with the snus almost falling out of her lip... sexy... So I have no doubt that this will go down in history as one of the better derbyweddings... The pictures are all taken by our lovley wedding photographer It's Aliva!

Oh, and as you can tell, we both wore lovley dresses in the colors of Stockholm Rollerderby... and we had the support of the majority of the current skaters of Stockholm Rollerderby... AMAZING!

And the wedding guests.... 

Jamskating in a basement

So some girls in Stockholm toook the initative to start a jamskating crew called the Swayes's - QUAD SKATE CREW... the object is to learn a coerography and hang out on skates and look kool and you need NO PREVIOUS EXPERIANCE.. .and since I like to hang out on skates and look kool (I mostly look like a dork), I decided that this was a GREAT way of spending a derbyfree night... (I for sure need to work on my outfit and makeup) Both Kix and Twisted showed up for this, and a few girls from Royals (the other Stockholm derby leauge...) and some otehr ppl that just seemed like they wanted to dance away on skates... yayaaaa...

I have never been a good jam skater, to be honest I've done very little of jam skating, since I have no sense of rythm and I'm musically challanged. When I lived in USA I often saw jam-skaters at the rinks, and I have always been really impressed by their smoth moves and at times I have even gotten instructed by a few, trying to teach my gigantic feet to look more smooooth... and since I really like skating I've tried, and tried and tried, mostly with me looking very hillerious...  I did dance for several years as a kid - mostly because my parents decided it was a good hobby for a little girl, my mother thought it be good for my posture (she was probably right)... When I started skating 4-5 years ago, my focus was more on speedskating and rollerderby, even if I had a coach in Jet City that would end his practices in an all-jam syncronized dance... like a musical... and me being that girl that does the spin the opposite way... I still thought it was fun and so was yesterday, even if I kept on doing the spin the wrong way...

We already know Loony is a better skater than me, she ought to be, since she has been skating since she was 4 years old, and damn that girl is a fantastic jamskater too... yes she is.. We came to the basement and all of a sudden BANG - she was showing moves and everyone following her lead. It was awesome and fun, and they are planning to have it in the basement for a few weeks and then they/we will move outdoors and find some smooth asphalt/concrete and do our thing... Oh yeah!

So if you are in Stockholm on Tuesdays 18.00 - 19.30 - this is the place to be! Come come come! We will dance it all away... and most of us look really silly...

And after the session Loony, Rikard and me went and visited Minna, ate all her food and then went out for Indian food and beers... YUMMY... this was an amazing derbyfree night! 

Tour de Force - full platta in Malmö

First we benched for Gothenburg

...they did amazing for their first bout

And then we watched CCR's A-team win against Paris

So we all piled into my car and went to Malmö to participate in the usual derby awesomeness - me and Loony helped Gothenburg on the bench for their first bout ever. It was awesome, and they did so great for their first bout ever. I was very impressed by Gothenburg and was happy that I could help making their first bout a little easier. They have a few girls that really stood out, MadFish got MVP, even if she almost got seven trips to the box... but I thing the nerves got the best out of her. Villa will become great with some more experianc, patience and practice, and I was really suprised in a good way by Sandy, she really has developed since December when me and Loony coached in Gothenburg. In general - everyone looked great and amazing, and I was superexcited to share thier first bout with them! And i got to dress up - I litterly was wearing a dress - I did feel like a tranny, and Evil Eye apperently really like me with lipstick and looing like a tranny...

It was awesome to see that CCR were looking amazing, it was a little sad not skating with them, and I think we miss it more than we will ever admit, sometimes it's hard to turn to new pages in life. But for once I got to watch a bout and drink some beer and just hang out with friends... It was great to see all of the Crime City players, but also Titty was up from Stuttgart and I had the great company of my lovley car-companions Kix, Only, Loony and Amy....

I must say that Crime City really looked very together, Ninja and Firebird wall looked nice and strong, Ankefar jammed like the awesome jammer she is and so did Curly, and as always I loved to see all of the really nice packwork out there by Crime City...
Paris did not look to bad, but at times they seemed a little disorganized on the track, and I missed seeing Amelia in the pack -and I saw much more of her jamming. I was very impressed by Paris Machete, she had some really great blocks and waterfalling action out there.

Stockholm Rollerderby Bootcamp

Kix and MadFish getting ready to skate

So as I mentioned in the last entry, we had a bootcamp here in Stockholm, it was during the Stockholm Winter Games, that is a big sports exhibition in Älvsjö, we were given a whole lot of space, so we were able to have two tracks, one regulation and one 90% and a little information/merch table. We had girls from Denmark, Finland, Norway and Sweden and from about 17 different leauges. So it was super-exciting! It was the first larger boot-camp that I worked that I also got to lay down the timetable for. So with all the things in mind from the bootcamps I have worked the past year, I did my best to give everyone a variety of on-skate classes, but also some off-skate classes that are valuable for everyone.
We parted the girls into three different groups, Blue, Yellow and Red, and everyone got a ''wristband'' in the color of their group, to make it easy for us to indentify and for them to remember...
As most of you that reads my blog on a regular basis, you know that I think off-skate exercises are SUPER IMPORTANT for becoming a successful derby skater, so all levels got to have an off-skate session. For the girls that hadn't passed minimum-skills (rookie girls) we also let them do sock-derby (but with shoes on) as a part of their off-skate session. Sock-derby is, for you that doesn't know, a scrimmage in full-gear, but without skates... so instead of skating everyone is running. It is superfun! All regular derby rules apply, but we shortened the jams down to a minute.... me and Loony had a blast refereeing this!
The intermediate and advanced girls both got to scrimmage, an hour each day, and we made sure it was not the last thing of the camp, since it usually ends up in exhausted girls getting injured. And during the scrimmage all the referees that had their little referee camp got to practice calls and all what they do, so that worked out really well. We had invited Riff Reff up from Stuttgart to lead the referee camp - and we had referees of different experiance from allover attend, and from what I saw, they were having a great time!
We also had Fluke run an off-skate Rules class for the intermediate and rookie girls, since there are always lot's of questions about rules, and who is a better person to answer them than a referee? HyperNova was kind enough to come and go over the basics of gear, she is a little of a gearhead and always a good person to ask about different wheels, plates and boots.
Becky Lawless, Twisted T, Mad Maloony and me ran the onskate classes, and we did everything from crossovers to hitting and jammerline starts. Our last class the girls really look exhausted, but I guess that is a good sign, that they got lots and lots out of the classes and a work-out. Loony ended every day with a partner-strech that was amazing, since we all are very likely to forget to strech if noone makes us do it.
In the end we had three prizes (sponsored by SwedeVix) for three girls that just stood out a little extra, I do think that everyone worked so hard and did such a fantastic job, but sometime there just are girls that stand out, just a tiny bit more:
Best Attitude: Mrs Knuckles - Umeå
Hardest Worker: Obnoxious Li - Gothenburg
Most Improved: Cursed Nurse - Norway
Overall I must say that I loved the vibe of the weekend, everyone had such a great attitude and skated so hard and really listened, and I appreciate that.
 I had a really great time putting on this bootcamp, and everyone else did too, so I hope we have the opportunity to do it again. And it felt really good to be able to send some of the girls from remote or really new leauges off with a whole set of new tools! I also wanna do a speacial shootout to Sleaze and Hell for being our event coordinators, making sure we had what we needed and a little extra... and of course to all the STRD skaters that volonteered. Oh, and then we had a GREAT afterparty... with dancing and all that jazz...
Amazingly fun everyone!

Niagara Falls in late November

So much water and like Vegas in IceAge wen went to Niagara Falls on Monday morning.

It was nice and quiet, me an Loony went with Kix and Becky and got on the cheap casino bus with a bunch of little Chineese women that seemed ready to gamble their lives away.
We also got scared to death at the huanted house... totally worth it! And none of us felt like taking hte barell down the falls - at all!
Now we are gonna watch dexter and then gp shopping at Queen street - that be window shopping!