Another crazy week: Recap the past week

If you haven't noticed, but my life is crazy busy, it seem like I'm always on the move, on my way somewhere. I like it, but at the same time it does take a major toll on my sleeping habits, I'm always so wired up I have a hard time falling asleep, with insomnia as the result. So coming in to this past Friday I was operating on an average of four to five hours of sleep per night, and that is not at all enough. Especially not if you are working out as much as I am.

One of the reasons I get up quite early is work, but also that before work i wanna catch some chatting time with my girlfriend that lives in Portland. Yeah, that is the westcoast of USA, so we are working on a nine hour difference. So I make coffe and chat with her, either facetime or just voxer before I head to work.

Since i have work and I go to school part-time and I also do a whole bunch od derbywork for my leauge and so on... Yeah, and the nights I don't have derbypractice I do off-skate activities such as Fighting Fit or just go to the gym and do some weights. So... with this all said, I have very little time for my really fab and new apartment... ha ha ha... you catch my drift. It maes me miss living with someone and feeling sad about my girlfriend being so far away, I am so not motivated to keep my apartment looking as fab as it could be.

Well, last week was crazy busy:

 Monday night was boardmeeting, the last meeting of the 2013 Stockholm Rollerderby Board. We had a really great board, and I'm going to miss our meetings, I do think the new board will do a fab job. 

 Tuesday was practice on our sticky floor, we have to take a bus out to an island, and me and Loony laid track for the first time, I think it went better than we expected... We made teh track to long first, but after one lap, we could feel it, and adjusted it to be right. It was a great practice Loony ran and I gotta go over a thing that Fisit Cuffs explained so amazingly in Dresden.

Wednesday was the Annual Leauge Meeting (lasted for 4 hours and we got unicorn cake Crash made) and we voted a new board in. I am no longer on the board of Stockholm Rollerderby, that means I can put more time and work into WFTDA, European Rollerderby, Coachign AND playing myself of course!!

Thursday was Fighting Fit and Panica our new transfer skater joined together with CrackHer, and it was superduperfun, even if the part where we did 300 kettlebell swings felt a little taxing. But hey... it's only about 65 days left until Florida....

Friday was practice, only four people showed up for the off-skate part, but the ones that did, we were superfired up, maybe a little sore since the kettlebell swings from the previous day. The onskate part was run by Sloppy, and it was superfun and everyone looked amazing. I am so proud of how much Stockholm Rollerderby progress all the time, how we push ourselves to become faster and better at all times, how our rookies and our Allstars always are developing and pushing themselves. 

Saturday morning I got up superearly to catch a train at 06.21 to head down to Malmö, to watch Malmö play Copenhagen and for the Sunday Team Sweden practice! But that's all another blog...

Food is an issue and the best thing I know!

I am an athlete - I work out five times per week, and I expect my body to really step up an perform at every bout I play. I treat my body to nutrition and rest. I believe in myself and in my body to perform and be all it can be, with as much help from me as possible - me and my body coexist as that one being we are.

This might all sound strange to you, clearly the body and mind of the same being are one, but that used to not be true for me, and I think that is the same for many with me. I used to look at my body as something that needed to be controlled, something that limited me from who I really could be. Instead of listening to my needs and what my body craved I would decide it, because I could, because I wanted and needed that feeling of control. I still believe in pushing myself and my body, but in a healthy way, in a way I know I will perform better and will put a smile on my face.

I have never been obese, but for many years I felt like my body was disproportional, that my legs and ass didn't match up with my small breast and slender upper body. I always gain my weight on my thighs and ass... And an explosive sport such as snowboarding really made my legs HUGE in my late teens/early 20's. I hated my legs, and I was on constant diets and dreamed about getting a set of silicon boobs to even out the pear shape and make me more desirable. Or to be honest I was more or less dreaming of my legs to slim down, I wanted a boyfigure, I've always been more of a Twiggy fan, not so much Marilyn Monroe. My life wasn't made easier by friends commenting on my small chest, and I even had a friend who did have a boobjob before I met her tell me "Well, my orignal boobs were at least larger than yours". To clarify to everyone - NOW I do find my boobs very awesome as they are!

But when it came down to it all: It wasn't so much about being thin or having the perfect body, it was more about the control, the feeling of lightness and satisfaction when I completely had not eaten, when the world was the most confusing, I at least knew that I could control myself. It was about striving for a perfection that I could never reach, but still strive for. I remember myself as young as 13 living of only juice for weeks, juice and water, having to leave class every 30 minutes to pee, you have to drink a crazy amount of water to stave the hunger feelings. And even if it wasn't about being thin, it still was satisfying to hear "you look so skinny, you look so good" compliments, compliments.... And we still do that, compliment each other on the looks, and it's almost always about the extra kilos that have been shed.. Compliments with our own and all other girls weights in focus, we judge ourselves and each other, we get judged by strangers on a dayly basis. We just are expected to always be so darn perfect looking, so amazingly skinny, just naturally.

My relationship to food is still complicated, but more relaxed, I eat what I want, I avoid to overeat but also to undeat, I go to the gym and derby practice and I am very proud of when my muscles show and my body is looking good. I do still sometimes fall back in old patterns of not eating, and I have to look myself in the mirror and tell myself : "denying yourself food will never make you happier, just weaker and a little crazy" 

I know myself, and I dont ever want to be on a diet or any diet restriction, I know how fast I fall into letting my entire life revolve about food. I love cooking and eating, and I want to eat without any hesitations! I become a grumpy bitch if I don't eat! A skinny grumpy old bitch....

Eating is key... for a happy life! 

Damn I am hungry RIGHT now! 

Home From London...

I am finally home in my own bed... Ahhhhhhhh... My turn to sleep... Loony and Mary had gotten their fair share ;-)

Mary on the flight to Sweden

Mary and Loony on the train to Gatwick

Loony really sleeping hardcore - soon back home in Stockholm