Finally it snowed, the rain trumming on my office window in combination of darkness was about to kill me. Now there is a blanket of soft snow outside, and for once my office is not underheated... well, well... Easily satisfied... soon it's December... and I have bought half of the Christmas gifts for friends and family!
Still, there are those thoughts that have wings - that sweep around in my head - taking me places I am not sure I want to go.
LIFE this is between you and me! LIFE you like to screw me over, so I don't really know what to expect from the future, I have to start making new goals. Life the past months has been all about the Berlin tournament, all my practice all my work-outs have been with one goal, to place top three in Berlin, for me and my team.
When people have asked me to get a grip, to follow up on serious things, to engage in something that took time away from derby I have just answered "after Berlin" it almost became a mantra... "after Berlin, after Berlin, after Berlin, after Berlin"
AND NOW WHAT?
I was thinking about maybe it's time to retire, maybe it is time to do something else, something that is not rollerderby, but I honestly don't think I want to. Rollerderby has dug its claws real deep into me, and we have been together for five years now. Since I came home from Berlin I've been supersick and still mangaed to make a survey for the leauges skater what their goals and ambitions are for next season, my mind is already making plans for the upcoming season... yeah... and I was supposed to go on a derby break..
I was thinking that maybe I would joint LARD (life after roller derby) but SERIOUSLY LIFE, what am I supposed to do? Do I really wanna have time to go on dates? Do I really wanna have time to paint, write and cook? Do I really wanna start playing another sport without the underlaying goal to be a better derby player? Am I prepared to miss a bout or even a practice because I am going on a skiitrip? Do I want more time for my family? Do I need more time for non-derby friends? Do I even have more than one non-derby friend? And do I really wanna spend more time at work?
Rollerderby is a mistress that needs lots and lots of attention, rollerderby is my lover that I do get annoyed with but that usually treats me real well, even when I have my worst days! I want to get better, I want to hit harder, I want to figure out the loopholes of the new rules, I want to even maybe start jamming again, just because I can, or maybe not. I don't know... I am sooo confused... LIFE, stop dealing me all those cards I don't even know how to play!
I just know how to play derby really well...
Still, there are those thoughts that have wings - that sweep around in my head - taking me places I am not sure I want to go.
LIFE this is between you and me! LIFE you like to screw me over, so I don't really know what to expect from the future, I have to start making new goals. Life the past months has been all about the Berlin tournament, all my practice all my work-outs have been with one goal, to place top three in Berlin, for me and my team.
When people have asked me to get a grip, to follow up on serious things, to engage in something that took time away from derby I have just answered "after Berlin" it almost became a mantra... "after Berlin, after Berlin, after Berlin, after Berlin"
AND NOW WHAT?
I was thinking about maybe it's time to retire, maybe it is time to do something else, something that is not rollerderby, but I honestly don't think I want to. Rollerderby has dug its claws real deep into me, and we have been together for five years now. Since I came home from Berlin I've been supersick and still mangaed to make a survey for the leauges skater what their goals and ambitions are for next season, my mind is already making plans for the upcoming season... yeah... and I was supposed to go on a derby break..
I was thinking that maybe I would joint LARD (life after roller derby) but SERIOUSLY LIFE, what am I supposed to do? Do I really wanna have time to go on dates? Do I really wanna have time to paint, write and cook? Do I really wanna start playing another sport without the underlaying goal to be a better derby player? Am I prepared to miss a bout or even a practice because I am going on a skiitrip? Do I want more time for my family? Do I need more time for non-derby friends? Do I even have more than one non-derby friend? And do I really wanna spend more time at work?
Rollerderby is a mistress that needs lots and lots of attention, rollerderby is my lover that I do get annoyed with but that usually treats me real well, even when I have my worst days! I want to get better, I want to hit harder, I want to figure out the loopholes of the new rules, I want to even maybe start jamming again, just because I can, or maybe not. I don't know... I am sooo confused... LIFE, stop dealing me all those cards I don't even know how to play!
I just know how to play derby really well...
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| Me and Master clashing/hugging photo by Marko Niemlä |
So what happens if you make the mistress a wife?
ReplyDeleteAh, Swede. You'll know when it's time to walk away. The "maybes" are the first stage in the process. A few things I can say from the other side: 1. When you stop skating, it takes a minute to remember that you are still a whole, interesting, exciting person even when you don't have wheels on your feet. When derby defines you for so long, you have to read simulate to the rest of the world like you just went through a break up. 2. I can testify that once you readjust, the work ethic & energy you put into derby will translate into awesome new accomplishments in other areas of your life. If you hadn't quit skating, you never would have had the time or mental space to do these things. If you had never skated, you wouldnt have had the inner strength & knowledge that you could accomplish them. 3. Let's get real - derby never lets your heart go. Show me 10 skaters that made it to five years before stopping & I'll show you 7 or 8 of those that are still involved in some capacity. You don't lose your friendships & eventually as others also start to end their derby careers, your derby friends become your non derby friends.
ReplyDeleteHang in there pal. Doesn't sound like you're quite ready to retire just yet, but when you are, it'll be all good. And you'll always have us here in LA loving you either way! Xoxo Kasey
I'm starting on the rollerderby world, so I can't let you any "advice" on how to quit, if you have to, etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteAs people said on the other commments, you can be amazing with or without the derby, so don't be afraid of what will happen when you decide to retire. On the other hand you don't have to, only because society, friends, family expect you to do something "real". Well, maybe rollerderby won't pay your bills, but sure is making you grow and get stronger. So, it is real. And it is important for you. All are still contradictions and you don't have this clear? Well... we all are walking/skating contradictions.