Reflections, reflections and more reflections when in Stockholm

I guess I should have seen my tiredness coming, and the sudden retirement of DNN really got me thinking, that and som much more. I am in Stockholm and I´m jetlagged watching the fullmoon shine over the empty quiet lanscape outside of my mothers house. I love it here and I wonder why I always have to go...

A year ago I posted this :http://swedehurtgoesfit.blogspot.se/2013/09/i-am-just-so-damn-me.html and I really did not slow down a single time since. I turned down a family trip to Brazil so I could manage and coach Wintergames in January  (yes the rest of Stockholm Rollerderby did a great job too, but this blog just happen to be about ME) and YES it was great to have my girlfriend come in and coach, but that is just not the point. I loved and still love Stockholm Rollerderby, I can't tell you how many hours I have spent of my office time, late nights and on the subway to answer e-mails, network, plan practices, book flights, print sceduals, find someone to coach other practices, figure out what to do when our hall space get cancelled ect ect... and I always felt stressed that I didn't do enough, that I wasn't living up tp expectations, and it wasnt always others, but also my own. I'm a strong athletic woman with endless time and energy...

I worked fulltime, went to school part-time and did derby fulltime... this is not a complain, this is just a fact. I didn't really like my job, I stayed on because it was a good source of income. I felt lonely with my girlfriend so far away and most of all, I felt underapreciated, and I know I was apreciated. I still didn't feel like I was good enough, with my hamstring healing much slower than I wanted and constanly being in pain, it made me push harder and harder. I am competative and I wanted to win at life, in rollerderby, in love, in everything.

At the end of the May I was just miserable and I knew I needed a break, a cut off, a get away. And I did... I wasn't ready to leave rollerderby so I went back to NYC. I slept, and I slept and I skated, skated and skated,. And I slept more and some more... the healing of sleep can not be underestimated. I also did some major staring into the wall and writing all my anxiety away.  I went to NYC because I needed to push myself harder in rollerderby, because rollerderby is that important of a component in my life, it was: sink or swim, and I was swimming for my dear life! I needed to progress my own skills and I needed to grow stronger and build some trust in myself. I needed to be somewhere where I felt it was ok to be just me. And I have grown stronger, I learn something new every practice, and I push, push myself because I allow myself to try new things all the time. I cannot thank OMG and Bonnie enough for letting me crash in their extra room to gain myself back.

When I got the email that I made the Gotham Allstars Charter, I felt really proud and I can't deny that my eyes teared up, because it meant a lot to me, it did not only mean that I'm a skilled skater but a teamplayer. Going to Sacramento was amazing, it is the first tournament I have ever gone to and not being rostered,  saw my team go out and perform, and I felt excited that I belonged to this team. Not gonna lie, I much rather be playing, and I will push myself at every practice to be rostered for next time. I will listen, learn and try, fall and get up again. I know I am a part of the team and being at practice we challange each other, and in that way we all become better and better and better.

I miss coaching very much, and at Sacramento this weekend TARAism came up to me, and told me how my coaching had helped her. (She studued abroad in Sweden for a year and skated with Stockholm Rollerderby) It made me warm and fuzzy inside, it also made me miss Stockholm Rollerderby.

I am very proud of being a part of Gotham, it's my home but so is Stockholm... and I often miss Stockholm Allstars, we have had som many great times together, trips, practices, meetings and dreams. We went to Florida and played three amzing bouts, we almost beat Houston, we were 50 points away from Steele City, we did get our asses kicked by Tampa... but we weren't steamrolled.

I still left Florida feeling like I had let the team down, we werent gonna go to D2 playoffs, and at the same time I got my heart broken and I had to sit myself on a flight to London to play with Team Sweden and try to smile, smile, smile even if I was breaking into a thousand pieces .  I just wanted somone to shake me and hug me and say I did amazing things. I got lost in London (like REALLY lost ) and got yelled at and I broke into a thousand pieces on the inside but kept on smiling as much as I could.

 At that point I realised I had to take off. I needed a vacation from who I had taken on to be. 

Going to Sacramanto Playoffs

I will be going to Sacramento with Gotham in just two days, tonight is the last practice before we take off. I am VERY proud to be a part of Gotham Allstars again, and I am learnign something new everyday!

I have so much on my mind right now. Life is a curious thing, and the thoughts that are running around in my head are many and utterly confusing.

Can't wait to be in Sacramento!

RollerCon 2014

RollerCon is always fun, but you never really know what to expect more than it is going to be fun and that you get to play with and against of awesome and exciting people.

Last year sort of sucked, because I was injured and wanted to skate so bad that I did skate but performed really poorly and was in pain the entire time. I guess on the plusside last year was that I met Eagle, it was worth all the pain ;-)

Well, this year Vagine Regime was a great bout to play, the people on the roster makes me so excited it makes me almost wet myself, but I don't because it would totlly show on the grey pants...

Fasholes vs. Tomboys is always the most hillerious, and this year I think I got "best outfit", another bout that was hillerious and I hope I get invited to skate in next year again was Prancersice vs. Twerk... I am a natural born Prancersicer... not sure if that is something to be proud of... but I AM!! Also playing with team Cruz is always delightful, I get to let my inner Viking out and just growl at everyone... yeah, that's what I consider a sucessful bout.

I guess what's fun with most of the challange bouts at rollercon is that they don't matter, some do, like the VR-bout, but many you just step on the track and do your best and mistakes can just be laughed away... I jam... and I jam... but mostly block and I try new things!

Hanging out in the pool, or by the pool during night was also great, this year I spent a lot of time with Rose City skaters, I guess I've visited Portland quite a bit the past year, and also this year they had quite a representation.

We went to the Vegas Haufbrau Haus, it's the third year we did that, and it was amazing and awefully fun and this year I had two steins of wheat beer and got way to intoxicated. It's an off-campus activity that I really appreciate being a part of. I love RollerCon, but after a few days at the Riviera it's nice to just leave and do something different with your friends.

If you wanna get  better view of what happened at RollerCon 2014, get the next issue of Five on Five, since I wrote a RollerCon 2014 re-cap for them.

Sorry this post is late, but I've been very focused on other things... like making GOTHAM ALLSTARS... :-D

Swedish Championships in Rollerderby 2014

I know this is real late, but I've thrown my life in a crazy direction and made a bunch of rational and probably irrational changes... And it has lead to no blog in a while, since I frankly have not really had my computer around not time to write. This is about to change....

Last year I stod on the bench, coaching my team to a gold. I felt like i was a part of that gold, even if a torn hamstring the previous month stopped me from any sort of rollerderby action. It was awesome to bench, but I still love playing rollerderby too much, I still love skating fast and hitting hard, I want ready to retire. 

So this year I got to skate in the finals against Crime City. It was superduper fun but hard to play. This was my last bout with Stockholm for quite a while...  Both Stockholm and CCR played well, but in the end Stockholm took the win. This was a real hard bout to play, and both teams deserved to win. 

It was also my last bout with Stockholm for 2014...

I rather share my adventures than go alone

So I guess sometimes it's nice to enjoy that single lifestyle, of not having to ever care about someone else's feelings, never feeling limited.

BUT the best thing with a partner is all the things you can share. All the adventures you can go on, and then with arms and legs snuggled around each other talk about those adventures you went on, while falling asleep.

To just lay down, hearts beating the same speed and look into each other's eyes, and wait for the other one to fall asleep, so you can start another day together. To have a long list of places you wanna go, things you wanna do and all the sex you wanna have.

Someone that just loves you for who you are... Someone that will hold your hand I the dark, because she knows that you hate the dark, even if she think it silly...  Someone that forgives you for being allover the place and want your best. Someone you care so much about and you just want to get random gifts, just because you know that it will make her smile. Somone that loves that you are a showoff, but knows you still need assurance, because that's the way you are.

Somone you trust, and together you ca make fun of the rest of the world, becase to be hones, anythign can make the two of you laught, when you are together. Don't make it so hard...

And last but not least, someone to have increadble sex with... 

Playing Team USA again

I had an amazing weekend playing rollerderby in Stuttgart, Germany. Team Sweden played Team USA, and we scored so much more than we did last time. The level of rollerderby in Sweden have really done HUGE strides forward. The game was really fast and I felt like we played well together, it was fun to be in the same line as Alotta and Tjutet, two Crime City players. Alotta has been around since I lived, skated and coached Crime, Tjutet was Fresh Meat when I was leaving, and they are both great strong players. 

It was great to see so many friends in one weekend,both American, German and Swedish! International hugfest!

Team USA held a bootcamp during the weekend, and I participated in the Sunday sessions, and it's always really interesting to listen and learn from other coaches. I really liked the blocking session that Smarty, Jackie and Baller ran, I think I really picked up a few things. 

I did miss half of the blocking backwards session that Pfister, AJ and Cherri ran, because I decided on having breakfast. It really is not what I'm the best at, and I need to practice more, I stand up too much when I do it. Even if I do know that I probably always will be most successful blocking with my ass... But as I always say, the more tricks you have in your bag...

ECDX weekend was awesome

Of course it totally sucked not to skate and the lack of pool. ECDX pool has always been an amazing experiance, I will always rememebr when Montreal had a little danceshow for us. And talking about Montreal, their spacewolf pants this year are aaaamazing! Keeping the dream alive.

It was real fun to see Tiger Bay, Helsinki and of course Crime City play, it's so amazing and awesome to see how well  European teams are performing, and proving over and over that Europe is underanked. Victoria from Australia showed that they very much deserve the ranking that they are at.

 Crime City vs. Providence was REALLY exciting, I am SO impressed over how they kept it together and played well, despite that Juciy, one of their skaters, broke her ankle in the game the day before.

Other games that were ttally worth watching were Montreal and Terminal City that played a tight and superexciting game, Gotham vs. Philly that was a little tigher than I would have assumed, but freaking LOVE to watch Slaydie and Diva go at it. The clash of the Titans! And damn Bonnie, she's just sort of "OK guys, I am just gonna stick myself between you and slide by". Impressive and lovable!

I also had a good time just haning out with friends talking about rollerderby, watching rollerderby and having a few beers. I was stayng with OMG and Bonnie and even if they were playing I think I was the first one to fall asleep. I've become such a sleeper the past year... Sleeping is goood for you!

Today I'm going to practice and I am very excited about it, YAYAAAAA... I gotta go rollerskating... Tomorrow I think I am gonna go outdoor rollerskating, I miss it! Just skating up the West Side High Way on Manhattan is SO MUCH FUN!! (fuck running, when you can skate) I once made Trish do it with me, and she got the worst blisters, so my mission is to get her a pair of better fitting skates...

Heading to ECDX

Been in NYC for a few days, really been feeling quite crappy and tired... Haven't done much but hang out with OMG and Bonnie, been to a practice and watched soccer with my Colombian friend Sunny... yeah... good times! Oh, and of course I got to see one of my best friends Only who is in town with Helsinki ROllerderby.

Today I'm heading towards ECDX in Philly, more about that after this weekend. But in short hand I get to see Tiger Bay, Crime City and Helsinki Rollerderby play american teams. It is always awesome to see how European teams fare in USA, since we all seem to be quite underanked.

I am bringing my skates, but with outdoor wheels and my running shoes, after feeling crappy for a few days I just can't wait to work out again.

taking a deep breath, coaching and testing new wheels

Wednesday  I was coaching my last Stockholm practice in quite a while, i am heading to USA on Monday, staying there until I go to Stuttgart to play Team USA and then to head back to Sweden to play the Swedish Champs!

Yes, life is fun and busy!

Practice was for our more advanced skaters, and I planned a bunch of things that we need to improve, getting lower, blocking backwards and then turn around and keep the jammer on the ass, bracing, stay together and use plows to slow a pushy jammer down, keep your core strong, toe stop work and then the darn hockey stops. I always also try to throw in some endurance and some skating in the opposite direction at every practice.

When I coach I alternate between coaching skills I'm good at and things I need to improve. Being the coach it's not always fun to fall on your ass every time you are trying to demo hockeystops the way you suck at it. At the same time, if I don't I will never improve... and at least when you fall you know you are trying hard. Yesterday really was lots about skills I need to improve, and I guess the rest of the league also get to improve.

My new task is to become a better jammer, so lots of footwork in my future, I am not a fancy spinner, I am a dumb "I will get through here" sort of jammer. So maybe I will try the fancy spinner a little more, be good for me.

I just got a set of new Juice wheels that I tried out, and I really liked them from the get go. Durometer 95 worked really well on the dirty concrete surface we skate on during the summer.

Fifteen skaters, a track, a deadleg and a musicvideo

A small but fun gang... SCRIMMAGE TIME!

Monday was a looong day at work, fun, but lots of new things. I am currently working on a project for SQORE. If you are competative in academics, this is really something to check out! Just do it! ok?

Yesterday due to most ppl were a little derbyout after the weekend (BSTRDS played in Barcelona and Team Sweden had practice) we only had 15 people able and willing to scrimmage. And it was fun, everyone got to jam, and play with each other. Having to go in two jams in a row, or even three and then sit one just ot be able to jam, it does wonders for your endurance, my way of reducing having to run, run, run....

But what is cool too, is that about just two years ago, 15 people at practice would have been considered a well attended practice...

I had tons of fun, even if I was feeling a little stressed in the beginning of the scrimmage, running out of work straight to practice while chewing down food does that too you. There something about practice, I don't know if it's because rollerderby is hella fun or because of all the endorphines, but in 99% of the cases I leave practice feeling 100% better than when I came there.

I got a pretty bad "Charlie horse" already on Sunday, but it did only get worse after another bony/muscular ass to it... damn derbygirls I urge you all to eat some more fat so your hits become fluffier and less painful on me! Seriously, I can barley walk today, and tonight is fighting fit! I am taking tomorrow off, and that is probably a real good thing. Sometimes you need to take a deep breath and just take it easy.. .this might not really be what I do, but I am saying... sometimes it is for the best.

After practice I stuffed my car full of ladies... well I stuffed five girls into my volvo, to go and skate back and forth on a bridge for some musicvideo that Amy is in. It was odd but both fun and funny. And then I went home, made a HUGE sallad and watched Penelope. darn, it's the cutest little freaking romantic comedy I've seen in a long time!
HIGHLY recommend it, partly because I think that Christina Ricci is adorable, but the story is for sure really cute (predictble, but cute, and what RomCom is NOT predictble).

Long but productive Team Sweden weekend

This weekend was superduper intense, I totally nejoyed it, but I was also so exhausted yesterday that I fell asleep 21.30 and slept like a baby until 06.30, still wearing my clothes. Yepp, that is how life is, in all sorts of ways.

On Satuday we met in the morning and did drills until lunch, and after lunch Glory and Fenix ran a bunch of drills with us. It all turned out to be a really great overall practice. I'm starting to feel like I know the other skaters better and better and our strides start to gel. We start to recognise each others voices.

We went over a bunch of termology, so we all understand what we are talking about when we are on the track, since we all come from different leauges and have different names for walls and offense.

After practice we all went to Vinterviken (the infamous derbycommun) and had food and watched the Philly vs. Texas game from Big O, and of course soem of the SKOD tournament that was going on during the weekend. Texas really are GREAT at playing offense without sacreficing too much of their defense, really a joy to watch them play!

On Sunday we started off with some off-skate before suiting up for some more wallwork ran by Glory and then lunch. After lunch we had the fortune to have reffs to come and join us, and we were able to scrimmage. Scrimmage went quite well, and we really got to put some of the things we had worked on during practice to use. It's frustrating that we are so good ;-)

I know I say this a lot, but it truly is amazing to think how far Swedish Roller Derby has come the past years! It makes me really happy, and more and more willing to push myself and coach others, because it DOES show results.

I enjoy women going for it... Photo by Steve Newton

Are you looking for EXCELLENT coaching?

I feel tall and blonde.. this outfit also made me wanna jam-skate.. Kozmic tried to teach me

Look NO furher, Track Advantage has collected a bunch of amazing coaches in one hot pot, pick and choose among oss (I know you mostly want me) and e-mail them and like a genie we will appear on your doorstep and teach you all those little tricks we have up our sleeves.

And yes, I also think we all look a little creepy in this picture, but I guess there is a reason we are not models, and we coach instead! I also told Master Blaster we should be wearing orange outfits, it would make us stand out more, but apperently not yet.. not yet... I am waiting!

Please book us, we are amazing coaches and WILL make your leauge better! That's why we coach!

Weekend of Team Sweden practice coming up

Yesterday I went to Fighting Fit after a long bikeride, it was great weather for bikeriding, sunny but not superhot. On Wednesday we had on-skate practice with our Advanced skaters,  I focused on endurance and walls. It was fun!

I am back in the swing of working out, but I can't deny that I feel a little lost in the way that i have a hard time motivating myself. There is nothing to work towards, nothingness and that feels hard. I am a little slow on my goalsetting right now, probably because I feel liek there are so many things that are up in hte air right now.

BUT ONE THING I KNOW WILL HAPPEN is that Team Sweden is playing Team USA in Stuttgart in the end of June, so I will really focus on that. It's going to be REALLY exciting and fun, fun, fun!

So this weekend we have on-skate practice with Team Sweden, and I am looking forward to it, feels like it will contain a little of everything. A mixed bag of goods, the way I like it, hopefully lot's of focus on skating together and staying together. A more cohesive offence with better communication from the jammers.

Since I've felt a little stuck in my development lately, maybe because I coach to much, I'm considering going back to some jamming. Not to become a main jammer or somethign crazy like that, but to jam because I can get better at it... I do like jamming, but that means I have to start working out a little different, and a change might be good for me! Getting outside of my "safespace"...

LOOK, I jammed back in 2008...  (and yes, I am wearing dipers and R3's)

Team Sweden in London

Photo by John Hesse

Damn, I was menatally not ready for this. Sometimes life get's a little overwhelming, and the past weeks have been like this. The utter dissapointment in that Stockholm will not make it to Division Two Playoffs (where we clearly belong) in combination with some other things have really left me feeling at an all-time low. It's hard sometimes when you work really hard during a looong time to achive something.

Digging yourself out of such a place is not the easiest, but having friends that support you makes it easier!

Right when I got back from my US trip, I went on a work trip to Tallinn and when I came home from that I litterally got SUPERSICK nad could not get out of bed, and ontop of that I had really severe jet-lag and really couldn't sleep. Lack of sleep is really a tool to make life feel a little more dramatic than it acctually is!

 Not the best place to be just a few days before playing Team England...  well, well...

The bouts ended up being stellar, first we played Team England and lost and then we played Brawl Saints and won. I did much better in the second game. The first game i was fighting all those feelings above and I was penalty heavy in the first half, the second half went better and I got used to the floor. I already miss the sportscourt of USA...

No WFTDA Con this year

I have had lots of travel on my docket, and after a very emotional Beach Brawl and an even more emotional Portland trip I'm quite traveled out.
I am REALLY upset that Stockholm is not going to make Div 2 play-offs, because we showed the world at Beach Brawl that it is where we belong, and that we could have made an impact. And on top of that leaving someone you really care about sooo far behind and knowing you will not see them for two months is just not easy. To be honest, it really freaking SUCKS!

So I feel quite haggard coming back to Sweden having to pick myself up and try to decide what things are important in life. I think I have a real good hunch about it right now... Things are about to change... hopefully

SO... because of all those different things, I will not be able to go to WFTDA Con this year, even if I REALLY want too... INstead I get to go to London and play rollerderby, and considering I LOVE to play rollerderby, that's not a bad thing... I do have a little FOMO about not being at the Con.. .I guess RollerCon will have to be the thing this year... DAMN IT, I just cannot have it all!
 

Short stop in NYC

That's the winelist.... 

Went back to Sweden via NYC, catching dinner and great company with Trish and brunch and more great company with OMG and Bonnie. My mothers planted some seeds in my head!

THEY GAVE ME UNICORN SOCKS!!

What happened after Florida? I went to PORTLAND!

This girl is something... something...

Since I already was in USA it only made sense to go and visit my lady in Portland (it's only a 7 hour flight from Florida).  It's really nice to hang out with someone that is so different yet like myself, she's such a genuine person and makes my heart skip a beat. Most of all I have HELLA fun with her, and she does make me push myself... freaking speedskating was EPIC! Trying to shoot with her bow during camping (sorry for destroying an arrow) and also just talking about everythign and nothing. I am for sure more obsessed about coffee...

 I was able to attend a few Rose City practices and also got to see Eagle play a bout with her home team Guns and Rollers. It's really awesome to just go to practice and not have to think much of it, on Sunday it was endurance practice, it was AMAZING, - I had a blast just skating laps and sprinting. I WANNA GO AGAIN! All I did was jus thinking "just one more lap" until my legs want to give in.
On Monday I got to attend A Guns and Rollers practice, it was great, maybe a little to slow for my Monday hyper self. 

I also got to attend two scrimmages and got to scrimmage with AoA agains WOJ, and it was SUPERFUN, you know hitting on a nice taqll jammer... gotta love it.. . I also picked up on some bad habits I've developed and I need to work on. Back to getting a lower centre of gravity in my plows when someone is pushing me from behind. "MUST GET BETTER"  it's that darn chatter that Eagle looooves to talk about... I tink it comes naturally for hockey plaers (THERE, I said it)

It was also really fun to see Sorelsen and Rivas arriving from Denver, just starting fresh meat in Rose. Rivas has always been one of my favorite skaters, she's good. I've had the pleasure to skate with her on VR before, and I've always called her quiet girl. Favorite nickname!

I also sort of feelt accomplished since I actually went for a 45 min run on the Thursday practice when Eags had WOJ practice. I know it doesn't sound like THAT great of an achievement, but when you haven't been able to run for such a long time (one year due to the hamstring rupture), that really is something I feel utterly excited about. 

We also went on a fantastic bike ride along the rive before the Sunday BEFORE the endurance skate.. .and we did go camping for a day, and that was EPIC, probably one of the best campingtrips I have ever done. 

 I guess active vacations are my style over just sitting around doing nothing, even if I can appreciate doing nothing too... well at least staying in bed... 

Playing Team USA

Me and AJ "warming up"

So at Beach Brawl an International Allstars vs Team USA was put together. Me, CrackHer and Loony got to represent Sweden. It was superfun even if i think most of us were exhausted after already playing three games that weekend. It was superfun and I think I was just smiling and laughing the entire bout...

I decided that jamming was gonna be the way to go at some point
, and it was acctually real fun! So now I can say I have jammed against Team USA... ha ha ha

Kicking Ass and taking names in Florida

Dear Stockholm Allstars

We rocked this weekend at the Beach Brawl... we played THREE Division ONE teams and almost beat one of them! So much fun playing!!

I couldn't be anymore proud to be a part of a team that has worked so hard!

MY GIRLS!

Fiiine ladies of Stockholm Allstars

Rocky Mountain Rocks

About a year ago I sat at WFTDACon and chatted with Pepa from Rocky Mountain. So she brought up that they were considering to play London and said "wouldn't it just be real cool if you could help us find a place to hold a bootcamp and we could play you guys"
And I was sort of "Why not, that sounds real cool"

A year later it all happened, and it was really an experiance.- I have played Rocky Mountain before, but that was a looong time ago and with a completly different team (back then I was with Gotham) at WFTDA Champs.

 I was superduper nervous and I woke up on Saturday morning with a VERY stuffed nose and a fever. NOT a great day to start the day! But after stuffing myself with all the remedies I could think of I started to feel better, and it acctually ended up being a SUPERDUPER awesome and great bout. Rocky was for sure the better team, they foremed better walls than us and their jammers were harder to hold. I still don't feel defeted, and I don't think that anyone in my team does. I thin kwe feel like we had nothing to loose and everything to gain, and we did gain lots and lots of experiance...

I don't think you will ever play competative long enought not to be nervous. I will always continue to push myself and my teamates to become better. We can always improve!

I am SO freaking proud of all of us for stepping up, smiling and performing to our best. It's something special about Stockholm Rollerderby, we have been on a long long adventure together, and three years ago when I moved back to Stockholm we talked about a USA trip... dreams... dreams and dreams... and now dreams are coming true... not only have we played a top ten Division ONE team on our hometurf BUT we are also on our way to Florida to play against THREE Division ONE teams... oh HELL yes, I am chewin my nails off...

So a HUGE thanks for Rocky to stopping by our neck of the woods and giving us a good whipping...

TBT this is what I looked like last tiem I played Rocky....