Dec 10, 2015

Things I think about in the morning

Maybe it sucks that I watch this, and I recognize myself in parts of this. And maybe even more worrysome is that I feel that the first thing I need to write is, NO I DON'T THINK ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS. I think humans are wonderful people capable of giving so much love and caring to each other, both men and women.

I really do NOT think that all guys are rapists.  I do think that our society allow for a pattern where guys are allowed to treat women in a degrading way, where we ourselves have a double standard for men and women promiscuity.
I know this because I grew up in it.

When guys pulled my hair as a child, I was told by adults to ignore them, because they did it because they liked me. And apparently it is OK for little boys to express their affection by causing little girls pain. What kind of signal does that send to children? That girls should tolerate to get hurt because someone likes them, and that boys are OK to show affection via violence?

Sexuality is a not an easy topic to approach. We are very bound by the culture we grew up in, and the patterns we were taught. It is such a complex issue and at times it is hard to figure out if it was the wrong thing, and sometimes no one did the wrong thing, sex under the influence can for sure be consensual and amazing. There is nothing wrong with one-night stands, they happen often for some people and never for other, doesn't make either of you a less worthy person. It be easy to say, "don't get drunk", but that would be like telling people not to have sex, it will still happen.

But where do tings go wrong? A long time ago I ran into a friend at the local grocery store. Me and a friend had just gotten down from a long day of riding. We are chatting about how great the riding was, taunting our friend about him having to work all day. What good was it to be sponsored if he still had to miss great days like this. And just causually he tells us about the party at his house the night before. People were getting drunk. This girl liked him, he knew that, she was drunk, he was drunk, they had sex. She passed out in his bed. He went downstairs. He didn't care much for her, so he told someone else at the party that she was willing and this guy went up to the room, and then another of his roomates. He told it as if it was a funny joke.
I remember just thinking that I was happy I wasn't that girl. And both of the guys laughed, I might have had too, it was how it was. I hated myself for it.
And I think the last thing that girl should have been told was that it was her own fault for being drunk and feeling up for something with that one dude. She is probably the one that will feel guilty about it, ashamed and maybe even disgusted by herself.
I have lots of stories like this from those years. You toughened up. Wore baggy jeans and fell into the pack mentality, I hid in the mountains.

We have to understand that by saying that women should not get drunk and dress in a certain way, we are actually saying that all men are rapists, that they can not contain themselves. If both women and men were more OK with their own sexuality, maybe this would not be such an issue. If slut shaming was not such a thing, maybe girls would not feel so bad after a drunkan night of sex, because sometimes things happen. Sometimes you do not want it rubbed in your face. Who you sleep with is your business. We all judge harshly and quick, instead of seeing the big picture. Care more, we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect.

Alcohol is damned, and for sure a reason for many regrets. But even in the most drunkan stage, each and everyone must understand that a passed out person cannot give consent, and sex is off the table. It just is! Sex can be something awesome and just pleasurable between two people, but if one of the people aren't awake, how can both enjoy it. I totally think that if you are into having multiple partners, you should, and if you like to have a few drinks and fuck your brains out, please do it. But a no, I am no longer into it, is a NO. And I know this is hard to understand when you have raging hormones and alcohol in your system. Still, that sense of doing something wrong should be so deep down rooted in us that we can stop. Just like when we are about to hit someone and stop ourselves.

We all have potential to do horrible things, we are all potential killers, otherwise there wouldn't be as many wars as there are. Humans want to fit in, we want to be a part of the group, and we follow the patterns we are taught, the patterns that our society created and allows us. I think almost all of us have laughed at a joke that made us uncomfortable at more than one time.
We all have free will, we have the power to NOT laugh at a joke, not to slutshame other women, to live our lives and be kind to others. That time so many years ago, I probably should have looked at my friend and said "you know that is rape, and you are a fucking idiot". I didn't, because I prefered to belong than be the outcast, because I didn't believe that anyone would stand up for me, because no one did when it happened to me.

We have the will and the power to change, and we are stronger as a group, we do things better together. We all do things wrong once in a while, but we are here to help each other, to make the world a better place to live, to create a pattern where respect each other. 

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