This year have been a year I've learned much about myself, I've spent over a year to deal with old memories that have been haunting me. I've slowly have started to unfold things from my past, things that I have buried under layers of memories because I never wanted to think about it.
I have started to allow myself to be myself.
It have been a quest and things keep on popping up, things that I thought had no significance, and when I think about it, maybe it did.
This year started in Brazil pretty much and that is also where it will end...
Maybe it sucks that I watch this, and I recognize myself in parts of this. And maybe even more worrysome is that I feel that the first thing I need to write is, NO I DON'T THINK ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS. I think humans are wonderful people capable of giving so much love and caring to each other, both men and women.
I really do NOT think that all guys are rapists. I do think that our society allow for a pattern where guys are allowed to treat women in a degrading way, where we ourselves have a double standard for men and women promiscuity.
I know this because I grew up in it.
When guys pulled my hair as a child, I was told by adults to ignore them, because they did it because they liked me. And apparently it is OK for little boys to express their affection by causing little girls pain. What kind of signal does that send to children? That girls should tolerate to get hurt because someone likes them, and that boys are OK to show affection via violence?
Sexuality is a not an easy topic to approach. We are very bound by the culture we grew up in, and the patterns we were taught. It is such a complex issue and at times it is hard to figure out if it was the wrong thing, and sometimes no one did the wrong thing, sex under the influence can for sure be consensual and amazing. There is nothing wrong with one-night stands, they happen often for some people and never for other, doesn't make either of you a less worthy person. It be easy to say, "don't get drunk", but that would be like telling people not to have sex, it will still happen.
But where do tings go wrong? A long time ago I ran into a friend at the local grocery store. Me and a friend had just gotten down from a long day of riding. We are chatting about how great the riding was, taunting our friend about him having to work all day. What good was it to be sponsored if he still had to miss great days like this. And just causually he tells us about the party at his house the night before. People were getting drunk. This girl liked him, he knew that, she was drunk, he was drunk, they had sex. She passed out in his bed. He went downstairs. He didn't care much for her, so he told someone else at the party that she was willing and this guy went up to the room, and then another of his roomates. He told it as if it was a funny joke.
I remember just thinking that I was happy I wasn't that girl. And both of the guys laughed, I might have had too, it was how it was. I hated myself for it.
And I think the last thing that girl should have been told was that it was her own fault for being drunk and feeling up for something with that one dude. She is probably the one that will feel guilty about it, ashamed and maybe even disgusted by herself.
I have lots of stories like this from those years. You toughened up. Wore baggy jeans and fell into the pack mentality, I hid in the mountains.
We have to understand that by saying that women should not get drunk and dress in a certain way, we are actually saying that all men are rapists, that they can not contain themselves. If both women and men were more OK with their own sexuality, maybe this would not be such an issue. If slut shaming was not such a thing, maybe girls would not feel so bad after a drunkan night of sex, because sometimes things happen. Sometimes you do not want it rubbed in your face. Who you sleep with is your business. We all judge harshly and quick, instead of seeing the big picture. Care more, we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect.
Alcohol is damned, and for sure a reason for many regrets. But even in the most drunkan stage, each and everyone must understand that a passed out person cannot give consent, and sex is off the table. It just is! Sex can be something awesome and just pleasurable between two people, but if one of the people aren't awake, how can both enjoy it. I totally think that if you are into having multiple partners, you should, and if you like to have a few drinks and fuck your brains out, please do it. But a no, I am no longer into it, is a NO. And I know this is hard to understand when you have raging hormones and alcohol in your system. Still, that sense of doing something wrong should be so deep down rooted in us that we can stop. Just like when we are about to hit someone and stop ourselves.
We all have potential to do horrible things, we are all potential killers, otherwise there wouldn't be as many wars as there are. Humans want to fit in, we want to be a part of the group, and we follow the patterns we are taught, the patterns that our society created and allows us. I think almost all of us have laughed at a joke that made us uncomfortable at more than one time.
We all have free will, we have the power to NOT laugh at a joke, not to slutshame other women, to live our lives and be kind to others. That time so many years ago, I probably should have looked at my friend and said "you know that is rape, and you are a fucking idiot". I didn't, because I prefered to belong than be the outcast, because I didn't believe that anyone would stand up for me, because no one did when it happened to me.
We have the will and the power to change, and we are stronger as a group, we do things better together. We all do things wrong once in a while, but we are here to help each other, to make the world a better place to live, to create a pattern where respect each other.
Me and Dykestalker blocking together
Photo by Paul Delooze
A long time ago I moved back to Sweden, or even before I moved back, we started up VR Nordic. I've been skating on Team Vagine since 2008, and it was only natural for me to be a part of starting up a Nordic chapter, of something that have given me soo much.
VR Nordic played our first game against Crime City Rollers a few years back, during the Derby Festival and then it seem like we have gotten invited to play a game each year.
VR Nordic has been a very fun experiance, and I love to be able to hang out with some of the best Queer skaters of the Nordic countries and just have a relaxed and fun game. Me, Only and Pygmi have been making sure there has been merch and that games are set up. Currently I have 25 VR shirts at my house I have to mail out... Has to wait until after this weekend and my semester is over... UGH...
Well, nevermind... this year we secured a game against VR UK in Birmingham, during a mens tournament. Except from neitther of us being a big fan of Birmingham, we're all keen on playing. We had some new additons to the roster such as Dykestalker from CCR and BlowMe from Stockholm and Team Norway skater Yoshibitchu. Also Fenix from Team Sweden joined us for the first time... and the bout was SO MUCH FUN!
I played an entire bout without a single penalty, and that felt really good. It was my first bout in a long time, and it totally made me remember why I do love rollerderby so much! Everyone seemed to have such a good time and played so well together.
We all went out for dinner together for an all you can eat, a little spicy for some of the queers, but some beers and we were ready for the lesbian bar... and we tore that place up! We CLOSED that place!
and we did win at the pool table... after some hard fought times! Good times with the locals!
I got invited down to Gothenburg to coach their mens team, Salty Seamen, I know... great name... wait until you see their logo... it is JUST a fish, I promise. Well, now when that is out of the minds... It was fun to coach, to be honest, I was a little nervous the first hour, it has been a long time since I went and coached. But everyone seemed really happy, and I think everyone learned a few new things and pushed themselves outside their comfortzone.
The camp was acctually co-ed, and I dont think I have coached co-ed before, but it really is not that much of a difference. Well, guys are bigger, and YES they in general are.
I am a "big" girl with my six feet frame, and I usually weigh about 170 pounds (we are talking about this later). But most women are not my frame, I am not the avarage, and nor is the tiniest guy on the team. SO yes, guys are in general bigger and more muscular than women players. Playing with men, I have to contain even more, and hit even less. I can't hit people that weigh that much out of my way, and if I wanted to, I would have to crazy SWING at them, and that is usually not advicable, ever.
We worked on walls, walls, walls, skills and some offence, and on Sunday we ended it with a 2 hour scrimmage, and I joined in and scrimmaged. Made me miss skating with NYSE a little, but I had a REALLY good time! This is what I love doing, skating with different people, and learning from coaching others. Understanding your and others strength and weaknesses... makes you and your team better.
I had a really good time, and it felt good to be back coaching! Made me wanna watch and coach more derby and analyze how we all can get better... I need more friends to do that with...
Life is an adventure, and some of us plan our adventure and some of just live it.
I like to think I am somewhere in between. There are a few things I have always wanted, some of them I have gotten, some of them I haven't.
So a few weeks ago I wrote that I was going vegetarian, because I believe in more sustainable living, with the side effect of healthier eating. It is going really good, I've had meat a few times, but it has only been moose that my stepdad shot or lamb from my moms own. For me that's accceptble, and it will stay that way.
I will admit that I did watch Cowspiracy, and it did inspire me a little extra to eat as vegan as possible. My largest obstcle was that I LOVE milk in my coffee, and to be totally honest... there is nothing like cowmilk in your coffee... until I meat Oatleys iKaffe... I bow to it... I can drink that and ENJOY it. Becasue food is to enjoy, and not just to quickly shove in your mouth just to open it up for another bit.
Food should for sure taste good, and I try to cook good food. It makes me happy when people compliment me on my food or/and eat a healthy amount of it. The past week I've baked three times, twicce this amazing bananabread and once swedish style cinnamon and cardemon buns.... SO good!
I do start every morning with throwing an apple, half a carrot, weathgrass powder, spirtutlina powder, some celery, a bunch of spinnache and some water and mix it til its about smooth...
I love the north, I grew up on top of the world, I grew up in dark and snowy winters and short but light summers. I grew playing freely in the woods of Dalarna and the Stockholm archipelago, learning to swim in freezing water. I learned crosscontry skiing on my grandmothers lawn in Sågmyra and downhill at a small hill in Bjursås, I did hit a fence, they forgot to teach me how to stop. Otherwise there were not many fences in my childhood, you just walked right out into the woods and climbed trees and cliffs. It went dark and you came inside. My daycare in the Stockholm suburb was across the street from my parents house and we had a huge playground that was forrest and very little concrete. I remember when the local stable moved, and donated a bunch of saddles to the daycare. We put them up on the railing of the house and played horse. We all wanted our own horse, but no one could afford it or had parents that would allow it. My parents worked fulltime, like all my friends parents did, I always came early to the dayscare, Mom dropping me off before work, picking me up late when it was dark outside and I was the last one left. The kids that were there until late always got a snack, I remember carrots. Chopped and peeled carrots, floating around in water, not to turn brown, watery carrots, thats the taste of parents working late.
In the summer we would sail, go from island to island and sleep in the boat, me, my mom, my brother and my father. For two weeks the sailboat was our home, me in the back, my brother in the front and my parents in the middle separated bythe table we had dinner at. I learned how to set sail and navigate and how not to fall off the boat. In the evenings my dad would let me lay my head in his knee and he wold read books for me or just make up tales about trolls and other magical creatures living in the woods. We would meet many other familys sailing, and sometimes I would play with other kids on other boats.
There is a magic in the nature and the city kills me slowly... The bars, the smiles, the stress, the makeup, the constant want for more, it eats us alive and we start to think it is the only way we can live. That by being recognized by others, validates us, makes us real, we polish ourselves and hide the imperfections... Everyone striving for a minute or two in the spotlight, and for what?
I would never say that we should not strive for what we want, but for me, I want to hike a mountain, I want snow, I want the smell of winter or pine trees warmed by the sun in the summer. I want to sail with the wind coming across, with the boat leaning a tad. I want an life with adventures, not in the bars comparing how many shots I can drink, I know I can do this, I know I can win. I know I am pretty with makeup. I know I can talk about nothing with people that dont care about me, and that I probably dont care about.
Life is not about looks, diets, plastic surgery and having the most likes on Instagram. It is about waking up, filling your lungs with fresh air, going down to a lake to take a swim. It is about watching your partner read a book while you plan your next adventure. It is about grabbing your skis and heading into the woods, it is about sitting and looking at the garden you grew and thinking what you are making for supper. I want to be kind to others and get the same back, I want to teach and be taught. Do something for myself, but also for others.
This is the life I want for myself... oh and of course I wanna rollerskate too
Drinking water straight from the ground, eskers are natural filters for water.
I was expecting to finish this season with Gotham, it was what I trained really hard for the entire season. Becoming better, stronger, faster and smarter, playing together with a team where each and every skater were just working so hard to do the same. I am not going to lie, being a Gotham Allstar is hard, both on your body and mentally but rewarding.
I miss my team very much, and when I got my visa denial I got upset, very upset. I am not going to lie, it was not only because of the derby, it was also a matter of the heart and that I had looked forward so much to begin a masters in something that I really really felt right about.
It has been a two really tough months, watching things fall apart around me, missing friends, being a little lost, missing my team, missing that one friend I spent so much time with, loosing myself a little
.
They do say that when one door closes another opens, so I enrolled in school here, taking classes towards what I want to do. Went to Paris and saw one of my best friends, spent time with my family, picked lingonberries in the woods up north, picked mushrooms in the woods outside Stockholm. Worked out with friends at Good To Go, ran in the woods, hung out in the Sauna, went to Helsinki and saw friends. I recovered my body and thought a lot on things that I really want to do. Places that I want to go, things I want to learn that aren't rollerderby. I realized that there are also other things in life that are great and exciting and everythign does not have to revolve around rollerderby...
I have been stressed out and I've lost almost five kilos, emotional stress, so many feelings... I have cried, I guess it is OK to cry. I have been pissed off and I have made jokes about everything, to ease the stress. I've written letters and put thoughts and feelings into print, some I sent, others I didn't.
Well, so with that said, all this made me not really feel like playing rollerderby. I love rollerderby, but I just didn't feel like it. I wanted, but I didn't want to. It has been nice being able to just go for dinner with friends instead of going to practice. I've watched so much Netflix and been drawing like crazy. I have written poems and short little stories.
But today I decided to go to Stockholms practice, they had a guest coach from Australia. So I spent the day at my moms place making labels for the lamb meat (slaughter was yesterday) she was vacuum packaging while my brothers and stepdad were chopping the lambs up. We had a big family lunch and then I got a ride back into town. I cam home and I sort of didn't want to go, but I did. I did miss skating... I FaceTimed a little with Nut, and I decided... YES I AM GONNA GO TO PRACTICE!
And it was superfun! I am really happy I went! I missed it, there are things I have not missed about derby, but I for sure missed playing and practicing. It was two hours of FUN! Yeah! I probably will go to more Stockholm practices now, and I am going to watch Gotham kick ass this weekend. And I will be proud of my team and I will see all the things we worked on all season be implemented in perfection, because I know how hard they have worked for this! And I will enjoy it, I will be supersad that I cant be there to play or even to support. But I will be watching with friends here and I will make the best out of what I have here and now. Because we do what we can with what we have!
I had an AMAZING time at RollerCon, it was my SEVENTH RollerCon and it was just as magic as any other year. I played some truly fun bouts with talented and kickass people, and most of all... i got to dress up while playing rollerderby... meeting old and new friends!
I was honored to be voted in for the East Coast Team this year, it is truly humbling and amazing to get to skate with this team. And AGAINST Team West that really had some of the finest skaters on it. Oh, and we won... but it was an amazing and hardfought bout...
Team Cruz always leaves me feeling like a BEZErKING VIKING, I am not complaining... I couldn't stop grunting for a really long time after... Team Fashole just get better and better each year... both outfitwise and skating, this year we event made points... we alsmost gave those tomboys a run for their money... with our tits out... yeah we did!! Team Vagine is the highlight of the weekend, being able to be a part of a team with such talented and queer skaters makes me super happy. Skating for a cause, because we are who we are, and we are not afraid to be who we are. Oh, yeah, we also won this year again...
And as always, skating with Cheezeballs Precision Skate Bearings is always a great time and so are the bearings spinning in my wheels... even if we didn't win, we still kicked some ass and had a GOOD time both against Bont and S1!!
I also had a good time seeing that Roll Line Roller Derby had a booth there this year, and my Gladiator wheels totally tore up the floor..
The morning I left for Alaska I said good bye to the sunflowers
So for you who follow me on Instagram, you know that I took over Fisti Cuffs and Frozen Chosens garden this summer. I literally took over... I cleaned out a hella lot of debris and dead morning glory (with help from Frozen) and then I dug up all the soil and added a bunch of pots. Bought lots of soil and started planting... well, I got Frozen to drive me to Home Depot to get a bunch of plants 06.30 in the morning (he was the one who wanted to go that early, and he actually slept in the car while I went crazy on little baby plants in the nursery). I planted tomatoes, cucumbers, strawberries, lots of different herbs, jalapenos, peppers, zucchini, winter squash and watermelons...
And SUNFLOWERS! I love sunflowers... the only other flower I might almost love as much is a weed, and it's the dandelion. Dandelions are super useful, you can use the leaves for salad and make wine of the flowers. I know there are also some remedies you can make out of them. Have not gotten that far yet...
I spent lots of the summer on killing morning glory and some other weeds, on hunting down squash worms and trying to figure out why I had black spots on some tomatoes and how to get rid of mildew on cucumber leaves... I learned SO much, and I loved it! Well to be fair, I also had Brazilian Nut take me to Home Depot to get more plants and I ordered soil and strawberries from Amazon... yeah... there is nothing you can't get from Amazon...
I think I was mostly excited about being able to go out in the garden and eat a cucumber for breakfast whenever I wanted to.
I had to leave NYC before the growing season was over, so I never saw the end of it, but apperently the watermelons never came out, but it produced lots of tomatoes... and still is.
Growing things in NYC is not hard, well it is polluted, but as long as you have water, it will grow because of the heat and the sun. Sure there are all the pests, but it grows fast, and if something dies, something new will soon pop up...
Stockholm is not the same... we have a subarctic climate here, so it's going to be interesting to see how my balcony will fare next summer. I am also going to do some planing at my moms outside the city, because I want to do some real gardening, and not just the urban balcony pot gardening.
I truly enjoy gardening, it is just fun to get better at something, and also the joy of being able to give something to others. There is something really satisfying about being able to produce your own food.
I am also learning a new composting method called Bokashi, I made my own bin... well... more about that in my next blogg... Well, acctually next blogg will be a late post about RollerCon!
So this is what it looked like after a few hours of cleaning
So I was hoping at least that I could travel to the WFTDA Champs to root Gotham on, to see all those people I love in derby. But also to watch the best rollerderby, the sport I love, and the athlethes that impress me each game! If I can't play myself, at least I could get the second best... but no, US decided that I should not travel. It really sucks and it makes me really sad!
REALLY REALLY SAD and UPSET! It leaves me feeling powerless, I can't really decide on my own destiny of life. I can't grab life by it's boobs and go where I please. FRUSTRATING!
I love Stockholm, I have spent much time outdoors, and I love it. The fresh air, the smell of the fall and how winter is slowly creeping up on us. Walking and running the woods, looking for mushrooms and drinking water straight from a spring, sitting in the sauna, going outside into the cold water and air.
It is almost everything I could dream of.
I know I will hate November, it's that rainy, dark and cold month... the time of the year we all suffer... waiting for snow... I've started to compost, I'm planning to rebuild my kitchen, I've painted all the furniture, I want to learn how to build furniture, I am taking classes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy... Things are looking up...
6.30 am... I swear... doing this for a minute x 5, wakes you up
Everyone that knows me, knows that I really hate running, jogging, moving my body in any direction that doesn't include skating... ok, FINE, I do really like walking... BUT I have always been baffled by all those crazypants that tell me how WONDERFUL running is. Like really! I have always looked at them and thought to myself "you poor human beeing, who had lobotomized you". Well, maybe not that harsh,,, but surley something like that...
And now I have to confess... I have been running... and I sort of like it... I don't know why this is, maybe because it is out in the woods on really fun forest trails and I get to go to the sauna afterwards? Maybe b3ecause it is fall, and the temperature is just right. But yeah, I like running, and I like the sauna afterwards, and the naked skin in the fall air when we go outside to jump in the lake that slowly is going towards winter.
I love those aspects of Stockholm, that I can be in the middle of the nature just using my buspass. I love watching the season change and I can't wait for winter to be here... and as always, I keep on working out at Good To Go. It really is great, I've really gained a lot of core and upperbody strength. This morning I went to the 06.30 am session... I am seriously a zoombie whrn I get there... and then I leave as an almost functional person. It's very nice. For me, Functional Fitness works really well, I probably should spend an additional day at the gym... but I guess I have to lay down boundaries.
Oh, and then there was that little thing about being a vegetarian... It has been over a week, and I am not really missing eating meat, but I got myself some protein powder to consume after training sessions, I suspect that I will need that, I had vegan sushi the other day, and I must say I really did miss the real deal...
I guess I was sort of cocky, because I've even been vegan before... but that was EIGHT years ago! I have to reform so many habits!
Yesterday I went to Hellasgarden with Panica and Sarra, we ran in the woods for about 8km and it was quite epic. The fall weather with sun and the nature just being stunning. I can get into this... I really can! And then we went into the sauna, dipped ourselves in the 9 degree lake and back in the sauna before I headed to Good To Go for an hour of work out. EPIC!
I did have my usual morning smoothie, and then I just totally forgot to eat lunch, so on my way to Good To Go, I grabbed a Gainomax and another smoothie that you just can buy in the store. And after training I went home and snacked on some fried tofu. I really like fried tofu...
For dinner I met up with my brother at a pub. I come here often for food, but i have never had a vegetarian meal at this place. They had one option, Mushroom risotto... I looked longing on the other options, thinking that no one would no.. .BUT I WOULD... cheater! So I had mushroom risotto, and it was really good!
Yeah... it's a quest! Getting fit and healthy, and trying it while being vegetarian. it's a challange. But challanges in life are what keep us all going... right!?
As I said in my blog yesterday I am aiming to go vegetarian, preferbly vegan, but I figured I am going to start light. And i might just fail miserably and end up just eating less meat. Nothing is easy in this world, and the meat and milk industry are horrible, both because of the way it treats animals but also because of the toll it takes on our environment. I guess I will be eating meat that is caught in the wild, I know that makes no sense to some people, but it does to me. I am against an industry, not the eating of meat itself. I do think we don't have to have meat with every meal, not even everyday.
I love the nature and the earth we live on, so I figured that I would get back to dragging my straw to the stack. I want to be a better human, not only for myself but the rest of the world. I mean, I want the earth to be a part of me striving to be more fit.
I love the north where I am from, and I don't want global warming to take over the beauty of it. So there, I am gonna do something, and yes I know... my carbon footprint i GIGANTIC, so I will do what I can, not traveling is not an option in my world.
Leaving work yesterday I wanted a snack, so I went into SevenEleven, just to figure out that most snacks I usually would go for had some sort of animalistic component to it. So i decided to go for an apple... i really like apples, so it was a gain.
I was still sick yesterday, so no work-out, but I did go to a photo exhibition at Fotografiska with Martin Schoeller, it was really nice. And afterwards me and my friend took a walk and ate BimBimBap at a Korean/Japaneese restuarant. I had tofu instead of with salmon or beef... It was really yummy. I did have the miso soup, and didn't think about it until afterwards that it probably contained fish... I guess babysteps... babysteps...
Afterwards we went to a Chineese supermarket and I bought some other fake meat products and found some really odd things, like boobballs. What do you even use those for?
I hate when I am not able to work out, I sleep really terrabbly, and last night were no different. Insomnia, insomnia... so I lay around and draw pictures and watched bad Netflix...
So the past weeks I've been thinking more and more about that maybe I should go back to being vegetarian. I've never really liked the meat industry and I know I can live without meat, since I've previously been both vegan and vegetarian.
I thought I would give it a try... and I am also going to start blogging about that and my training more. I don't eat well when I am under lots of emotional stress, and I have lost almost 4-5 kilos the past month. I am so light now, I alsmost think I am going to become a jammer.
I haven't lost any muscle really, I've kept on training at Good To Go several times each week, even if I start to think I need go to a gym for some extra weight training. I am just not a gym rat,,,
Well... Let's start this
Yesterday I came back from Helsinki, and I have a terrible cold, that just was on the verge of breaking out, so I just stayed at work and went home and was intending to make vegan lasanga. But I was feeling so shitty, that I just settled for vegetarian.
I woke up with a really bad cold, and decided to stay home and do schoolwork in the morning. I made my new favorite breakfast: half a cucumber, an apple, water, some apple cider, a lemon, wheatgrass powder and some other green power powder. I throw it all in the mixer and it turns into some sort of juice/smoothie.
On my way to work today I grabbed a salad, and not until I had payed I realised that I had grabbed a chicken salad out of habit. I was so hungry and late that I just decided to eat around the chicken pieces. It did make mefeel bad, because the whole idea is not to support the meat industry, and now I had still payed for meat. HA... Things might take some time to get adjusted too..
Well, no work-out for me today, I am just not feeling very well, I am acctually feeling horrible and can't wait to get out of work and back into bed! I still have vegetarian lasanga at home, so that is what I am gonna eat! YES BOX!
Sometimes life feels really unfair, I just had a lot of things falling in place the last year. I felt stronger and more confident. I did a lot of soulsearching and found what I wanted to do. I applied for a masters degre and got accepted. I was figuring things out with the person my heart had been cirkeling around for a long time and I was feeling like I was at a really good spot in rollerderby.
I went home to Sweden and applied for my student visa, since I have a BA from a University in US, a masters from a US University makes more sense. And I got a NO.
I seriously felt like I was going to throw up, my entire lifeplan sort of got turned over and I called my best friend and cried. I wanted this education really bad, and I wanted to end the season with the team that I had worked really hard with all season. It was heartbreaking in all sorts of ways. I miss my friends and I miss the freedom of doing what I wantto do, the freedom of follow my own heart and choices.
I am figuring things out, and of course I know that it's a first world problem. I am not starving and I have a job. I signed up for classes in Stockholm and been walking in the woods and loving the nature. I have been working out lot's and I am probably more fit than I've ever been. I have even started to run... and that my friends, is crazytalk in my world.
At Good To Go with Loony, Dominå, Calla and Smashed
I have amazing friends here and I have no right to complain, still, it is not a great spot to be in. This is not what I wanted, this is not what I planned for. I broke down the weekend Gotham played at playoffs, I wanted to be there so bad. I miss the team so much! I am also really sad I am missing ManChamps this weekend with Shock. I would have loved to be on the bench supporting my guys!
Things just don't work out the way you expect them to all the time, and I guess you can only do your best. Smile when you cry on the inside and pick up another book on the subject you want to study. In the end it is only you who limit yourself, your thoughts on what you can do... but also... I can't manipulate the thoughts of immigration... so my limits acctually are there...
The best part has been all the nature... Fresh air and woods...
Freddie went into surgery yesterday and is recovering well, but OMG and Bonnie need a little help with his medical expenses.
Last summer the three of them took me in when I needed it the most, and they deserve all the love and support they can get. Freddie cuddled with me many nights, and farted on me... maybe the farting wasn't the best memories.
OMG and Bonnie have worked hard for creating the rollerderby we play today, international rollerderby would not look like it does if it wasn't for them. This is a place for us all to give back a little to two (three with Freddie) amazing people that have done more for us than we can all understand.
Just a few dollars will take them a long way... they seldom ask for things and they have given the rollerderby community so much.
The third swedish Championships was played last weekend, in a town five hours north of Stockholm called Sundsvall. I got a ride up with one of my best friends from Stockholm Rollerderby, Becky Lawless. Seriously, the car was so hot that I think we all melted away, BUT luckily we are in Sweden where the sun doesn't set in the summer (well, not until about 10.30 or so) and we stopped by a lake and soaked ourselves. well, at least me and Tess got in it, while Quad and Becky did some serious gas station shopping.
Since I nowdays play for Gotham and not Stockholm, I wasn't going to play, but I was going to ANNOUNCE, and I do really like announcing. I think that and coaching is what I wanna do when I no longer want to play rollerderby competativley. Well, nevermind... when we got to Sundsvall we put our sleepingbags out on the floor of the classroom. All volonteers and players were housed in a High School... delightful... I probably should have brought my blow-up queensized matress... because I was busy packing pretty outfits for the announcing.
Me and Salivet announcing Gothenburg vs. Stockholm getting our tan on Photo by Camilla Höög
I was scedualed to announce with Saliva, and our first bout was the semifinal between Stockholm and Gothenburg. Stockholm was the clear favorite in this one, and did not have much problems with pulling of a win. I was VERY impressed by a few of the Gothenburg skaters, this one girl whos name I never seemed to be able to get right, but she was #71 did a great job as a pivot/blocker, I would probably have jammed her more, since she was greatly sucessful everytime she got the starpass. damn those ladies in their lower twenties and all that talent. Well, me an Salivet were dressed nicley and we went with a flowery theme. It was really sunny, and I got a nice tan.
Elitseriekval Norrköping vs. Luleå See me and Salivet announcing in the background
Photo by Rickard Höög,
That was the only bout that we announced on Saturday, even if I for sure watched the other semifinal where Crime City effortless beat Dock City. In the night me and Salivet took a round to look if there was anything fun to do on a Saturday night, and we probably would just have been better off just staying and laying on that classroom floor.
Sunday was the day of the final, the battle of the GOLD, the game that was going to decide if Stockholm would become Swedish Champs for a third time or if it was Crime Citys turn. AND I was going to announce it, and for this I had brought my fanciest dress! Well, nw I'm getting ahead of myself, we started out with announcing the Elitserie Qualifications. Sweden has an internal play, and currently it is Elitserien as the higest six ranked teams play in and Division 1 that are the six lower teams. In the end of the season the number five in Elitserien play number two in Divison 1. So it was Luleå Rollerderby (5 in Elitserien) playing Norrköping (2 in Div 1) to vinna eller försvinna (to win or disapear). It was SUCH a great bout, I haven't seen Luleå play for years and I never seen Norrköping before, and I was really impressed by both teams! It was fun to anounce, even if I had a little trouble getting all the blockers right in the beginning. AND it was sooo close, WOW!
The bronze game with Gothenburg and Dock City was REALLY exciting, especally the first half, before Dock City showed that they still are the number three team in Sweden. but Gothenburg showed that they are a true contender. At times Swedish rollerderby makes me teareyed, I love this sport so much and I love how everyone playing are pouring so much time and soul into it. AMAZING!
THE THE FINAL... it was REALLY great to get to annonce the two Swedish teams I've been a part of. I know almost all the players from both teams and there is so much talent and brains on both teams. Both teams went to US this year, Crime City to Beach Brawl in Florida where they DESTROYED their opponents and Stockholm to ECDX where they beat both Charm and Detroit, teams ranked way above them. When the new rankings are coming out in a few days this will place both those teams in WFTDAs Division one, meaning that they are both going to head back to US, to playoffs. I am SO excited that little Sweden has TWO DIVISION ONE teams! Dreams do come true.
Well, well... After the first ten minutes Stockholm had taken a clear lead, both teams played really awesome, but Crime had one too many penalties. In the end Stockholm pulled away and took a clear win. Ahhh... amazing! I was supercold... brrrrrrrr...
Me and Salivet announcing the SM final!
Photo by Martin Sörensen
Hm, I am trying to remember who got the MVP's and so on... I think I missed someone.... but this is what I remember...
So far I gotten to see a big part of my family and coached Stockholm Rollerderby!
I've picked mushrooms, cuddeled with sheeps and tried to find my moms cat. Many things happening... I am resting my body a little, last month I skated over 45 hours... My body likes just a tad bit of rest...
...well in this case it is just emotional happiness.
USA recognised homosexual marrige in all the 50 states. It is a huge step forward, love is love and will always be love. I really don't care who you marry, maybe I will never be married, but I love to read that we are all the same, we are not treated different in the eyes of the law. a human can marry another human that they happen to love. Ok, fine... there are limits to everything, but you know what I mean...
In many times I don't think I care that much, until I read the articles online and see the happiness it creates. Love is supposed to bring joy into our hearts, it's supposed to be something we celebrate, not something that is a burden and something we ALWAYS have to fight for,
I know there are many opinions about marrige and the significance of it, but when it all comes down to it, I like to have the possibility to say no, rather than not have it avaible to me if I meet someone I want to marry, no matter what the sex is.
SO FLY THOSE RAINBOW FLAGS HIGH... because rainbows and unicorns will always win in the end! And a BIG WELCOME TO USA for stepping into the 21st century...
Gotham got new unforms and we got sponsored by Roll-line... and they are really soft and you can barley notice that you are wearing them. Iwas suprised, since i usually don't like a high neck, but I didn't notice it at all, they really were like a second skin, and I could just concentrate on killing Minnesota jammers...
We re selling the black one as a fundraiser, so if you are interested to get one, please let me know and I can make it happen.
BrewHaHa was superawesome, last time I was in Milwaukee was watching Champs in 2013 with Eagle, so of course i had a little nostalgic moment. *sigh*
Well, well... I really like playing on concrete, so I was excited about that. I was only rostered for the Minnesota game, so I had the pleasure to watch the team beat Tampa on Saturday. My team is amazing and every player is such an inspiration, all in different ways.
Of course I rather play, but it is always a gret experiance watching my team play and learning from that. I'd lie if I didn't say I wasn't upset about not getting rostered, I think it's healthy to get upset. I just have to tell myself that I do play for the best team in the world, adn I have to figure out how to be even better on the track and also be proud that my team mates are doing so well.
It was fun and challanging to play Minnesota, and I learned some things about myself, I still have to tell myself to get lower and be more communicative. Always strive to become better...
Brooklyn has a park called Prospect Park and there is a roller rink there - and Lola Star runs a different theme roller disco every Friday night during the summer.
So last Friday I took three non-derby friends to skate to music, and it was real fun. Dancing around on skates really is the best fun ever, except from rollerderby. I can't say I am real good it, but I do my best!
Since the theme was Pretty in Pink prom I found a 8 dollar sparkly pink dress at one of the many vintage stores I frequent for fun outfits. At the rink I ran into some of the NYSE guys, and Otter even talked me into entering the dance contest with him. I think we at least were entertaining!
So after much thought (or not) I decided to get on another online dating adventure... Tinder hasn't really been my jam at all, so I figured why not re-activate my OKStupid account...
It is an adventure... Like really?
I've only put down an interest in women previously, but thought I branch out for the men. Don't wanna come off as too picky, since I myself stated earlier this year that at least I fall for a person, not a particular gender. Even if I at this point have found myself attracted to fewer men than women.
SO there it begins...
First I of course ran into a few people I know, because you know, it happens, and it is interesting... at least we weren't enemies... (if you don't have an OKStupid account I will happily tell you that you don't just match with people, it also tells you how many percentage of enemies you are.) So after establishing that my friends aren't my enemies, I could go on and recive messages from potential matches.
Quite quickly a 21 year old guy wrote and asked me if I would consider hooking up with someone much younger. I answered "ha ha ha ha" but probably could have come up with somehting more creative.
A 23 year old messaged me and asked if I would dress him up as a girl, and I helpfully said "Yes, I would be happy to do that" but then he was more into telling me I was hot and not so much into picking lipstick shades for himself.
Then a 63 year old man wrote me a message where he praised my good looks and also told me that he used to watch rollerderby when he was a teenager. I frankly didn't know hw to respond to that... so I didn't ...
So far so good, rolling two days into this and still havn't really "talked" to anyone that have sparked any of my interest. I hate to give up on OKStupid, but I am not sure that it will work out for me this time either, I mean my Tinder dates have so far been a little on the crazy side, and I don't know why I expected OKStupid to be any different.
Well, I probably don't have time to date anyone anyway, because you know "I have derby"
I love rollerderby, I love the sport the community and all that... but I also really love to rollerskate! I do like ice-skating, but not as much as rollerskating...
Today two of my roomates (Kenbo and Violet) strapped on our skates and went outdoor rollerskating with a stop for brunch. Then they left me for work so I stroll-skated my way back to my house to put a dress on and go out for a drink...
We play a FULL CONTACT sport, that means that we are throwing our bodies into each other. It's gonna hurt, and sometimes you might even break, It happens... its not sometign we want to happen, so that's where the off-skate work out comes in. NOT so you can eat as much icecream as you want (even if it is a nice side-effect) but for your body to be able to take it.
For your body to be ready to take 172 pound Swedish wrecking ball... well, I am not that much of a wrecking ball, but off-skate has healped me become a better skater.
I am strong, so I can stay low, I am strong so I can take a hit, I am strong and my muscles weigh a whole bunch and makes me stable. I become a trustworthy skater on the track. I am fit, so my team knows I will last an entire game. Also my fitness makes me able to recover faster, and I am alwys ready to go, go... GO... and sometimes I rest, because that is also important!
My strenght and fitness comes from working out at places like Good To Go when I am in Stockholm and with Gotham and the amazing off-skate programs that Violet Knockout puts together for the Gotham Allstars. It also comes from my determination to become a better and stronger athlethe...
So my message to all of you out there, don't skip the off-skate, it might be what saves you from injuries in the end. AND it also gives you a body you can be proud of, a functional body that will make you able to excel in the sport you love!
Can't wait for the 2015 travel team season to really start...
I am a go-go-go person, have you met me? I want everything to happen now now now... and I am restless and sometimes I move on so fast I don't finish what I am doing. I try to read three books at the same time and also listen to three different podcasts and when I'm online I'm always reading three diffeent articles, chattign with at least five people at the same time as I try to put a spreadsheet/article/budget/whatever I am working on together.
In short, I often overwhelm myself and sometimes I get lost in what I shouldn't be doing instead of doing what I should be doing.
Well, that was not what this blog was gonna be about, that is a totally different blog, this blog was gonna be about working out/skating and remembering to plan in recovery days. If you work out and skate as many of us do, we need to have days where we let our muscles recover. We need to let ourselves rest... our bodies need to rest to recover and become stronger. We aalso need to EAT! Food is really an important part of becoming stronger. Eating healthy is really not gonna be bad, but make sure that you are not obsessed with not eating fat or carbs... ect... you need fat and you need carbs if you work out. Everytime I start to obsess about what to eat and not to eat, I usually gain waight, because my brain omitt the word NOT...
So if I think I can NOT eat ice-cream, my brain hears I CAN eat ice-cream and I get a craving for it. I am not saying that eating ice-cream is a bad thing, but it's not dinner and I rather have something else... I do love ice-cream so I will have it a few times a week... just not everyday... everything is fine in moderation... and with that said, gaining weight is not that bad. I've gained 5 pounds the past two months. I don't really weigh myself more than once a month, because it is not about your weight... my muscles are HEAVY, and the past two months Gotham Allstars season have kicked in, and that means LOT'S of working out... also five pounds of blocker weight is not gonna hurt me...
I know my body (most of the time), and sometimes I need to take two days off from skating and intense off-skate... it doesn't mean I am just laying in bed all day. It usually means I take a long walk, streach, take a warm bath. Have a big steak, some ice-cream and a glass or two of wine... or real good beer... maybe even a kiss or two... (HA, one can only dream).
Because we are worth it! ANd in my go-go-go life and always striving to become better, faster, harder and stronger, I sometimes forget that the resting is important... and to eat... undereating is just as bad as overeating... Overtraining is just as bad as not training at all, and will generally leave you weaker than when you began!
Ortorexia is a thing YO!
Roller derby is one of the better things that have happened to me, or rather that I found and made happen. Because that is the charm with derby, WE are all the people that make it happen. Season has started and on and off-skate is becoming intense. I am always a little sore, if it's not from one of our amazing jammers railing into my ribs it's prbably from some intense workout that Violet has put together for us.
One of the things I really appreciate about Gotham is the workethic, how everyone give their 100% and never gives up. On and off the track. Rollerderby is a teamsport, and you have to have your entire team want the same thing, to work hard towards the same thing, to trust our leaders. I miss having Fisti on the team, I still get to see her, because friends you make in derby are sometimes for life... and I'm keeping her. She also is room mates with one of my best friends Frozen... so she gets to see me wether she wants it or not.
I still live with Viscious and Violet, and for most of the time my brother from another mother Kenbo is here. We live deep into Brooklyn, and I must say I like it here. I also see lots of my international friend Brazilian Nut who just transferred back to Gotham from Philly. Oh, and I am also single and ready to mingle, if anyone was wondering.... ha ha ha... and also me and Krissy Krash are building something that I think is going to be fun: DERBYSMASH - a way for derby people like me and you (yeah YOU) to connect. If you wanna sign up for our newsletter: http://www.blockerseekingjammer.com/ don't be shy!! I will write more about derbysmash in my next blog...
I played my first game with Bronx Gridlock and I made the 2015 Gotham Allstar squad.... EXCITED!!
I still feel like I am developing as a skater, and after four years of not really gotten coached and just focused more on others develpment, it's quite cool to just be helped and told what to do... ha ha ha
And as I said in the previous blog, I'm one of the New York Shock Excahnge managers this season, and I am superexcited to work with the team and the other managers. This past year has really given me a new outlook on mens rollerderby.
Yeah... and I am going to write in my blog more often... because I want too!!
I am superhappy to have been elected for a New York Shock Exchange manager for 2015 together with three other amazing Gotham Allstars (Maven,Vish and Salydie). I'm happy to be working with in my eyes the best MRDA team... YAYAAAA... it is going to be a great time... I love to be a part!
Silly days
in New York, it rains outside and we sit together on our computers and write
away. My best friend is photoshopping pomerians into a photo with me while I’m
sipping on a beer. I answer emails and think about laer tonight when I have a
date with some random person that I met on Tinder. I don’t know what to expect,
and at this point I see it all as an adventure. It all seem so dumb, I really
don’t think that I will meet someone on the internet and then spend the rest of
my life with them. But being me, I am of course willing to try, even if I most
of the time have a better time here in my best friends apartment watching her
photoshop while I work or not work. I enjoy my friends more than random people,
but then, I am supposed to have an open mind, so I do. Maybe I make a new
friend, or maybe it really is the person I will spend the rest of my life with…
maybe I should stop having so much doubt… or maybe not… We are sining along with the Dixie Chicks and share a beer, and I guess I cannot complain about life much. Tomorrow I will wake up early catch up on my Blocker Seeking Jammer work, walk to the CrashPad (it's where Gotham practice) do my off-skate work-out and then attend Shock Exchange practice as one of their new managers.
Yesterday Manhattan Maybem played Brooklyn Bombshells, and it was a freaking nailbiter. Brooklyn was in the lead most of the bout, but in the end of the second period Mayhem rallied and took the lead... in the end Brooklyn won, but I think me and the rest of the audience were on our toes... It could have gone either way, both teams played really well... Slaydie is such a force on the track... damn, I love that I am on the Allstars with her, but do I hate to play aginst her...
I was working the bout, sporting a very Chun Li hairdo... ha ha... jumping around doing my own interpetation of her moves. Hm, maybe I should go back to kickboxing classes, I acctually always enjoyed the kicking, both in kickboxing and in capoeira... hm... maybe I should just start going to ComiCons... or wait for it... play rollerderby... I'll stick with rollerderby...
Laying in bed drinking cold coffee and checking out the first version of mine and Krissy Krash baby DERBYSMASH (working name was Blocker seeking jammer). Soon it's ready for Alpha testing... I am so excited about this!!
So tonight is the Gotham Season Opener, my old team Manhattan Mayhem is going to skate against Brooklyn Bombshells. I will be working the bout and having a good ol' time running around. I love bout days, it's lot's of work, but at the same time, the feeling of being there, all the people, the excitement of the game, the fans... it all comes together in such an amazing and vivid way.
I truly LOVE roller derby!
Oh, by the way, I will be skating for Bronx Gridlock this season... busting out in yellow and checkers! I am super excited about it! So many amazing people on the team! Practice YAYA!
So Facebook decided that I no longer could be Swede Hurt, I've been Swede Hurt on Facebook since 2009... So all of a sudden I'm Lina Berglöf... It's HELLA weird!
It's not that I mind my given name at all, I quite enjoy being Lina, it's more the fact that I am Swede to most of my Facebook friends, and they are all thrown off by this strange person Lina all of a sudden liking their pictures and chatting them up... I have been skating as Berglöf several times, the last time being the World Cup, representing Sweden. Btw Berglöf means mountain leaf in Swedish, and Lina is the name of my great grandmother... so I do like and honor both my names... but still, I also like being Swede... it has been my name more than Lina for the past 7 years...
Ah... well... there is a time for everthing, and I guess right now I'm Lina Berglöf to the Facebook world, in good and bad... can't say I'm thrilled, but I just don't feel like I have the energy to fight it. Not right now... maybe another day!
I am laying on the bed of my best friend, she's working away, and I am sore and slightly whiney. Yesterday Facebook decided that Swede Hurt s nt my real name, and I'm now Lina Berglöf with the world. Also yesterday I scrimmaged with Bronx and then with the Allstars and did those fun landrills that we always do on scrimmage days... This mornign I got up early and went to work out with my Bronx captain... Because the season is in full swing, and fitness is not going to be an issue.... I really do like to work out, but I can't do it myself, I just can't. I am WAY to easily distracted, I just come up with a thousand things I should do insted of the squats, pushups pullups or whatever is on the docket... So working out with a buddy keeps me on track...
I also decided I have to go on a healthier diet, not that I eat unhealthy, I just sort of over or undereat... I need to acctually be a little more consistant in my eating...
OH OH OH... I got three TANKGIRL albums, I am more than delighted and will spend tonight falling asleep to the most amazing comics ever... Hells yeah!
My mother taught me to cross-country ski when I was about two years old. For her it was really important that her children could ski, she's from a small village in Dalarna called Sågmyra. When my grandparents passed away about ten years ago, she kept the house, the house where she and her sister grew up, but also the house I spent much time in as a child. And as a kid I got to do lots of cross country skiing and I also learned downhill in the local hill Bjursås.
So three days in Sågmyra has been amazing. My two oldest stepbrothers and their families been here, and of course my mom and my stepdad. So lots of great food, family time and cross country skiing. And damn, it is fun to ski and I'm suprised I'm still pretty good, considering I don't go that often.
So this year I took a real off-season, in that way that I didn't skate, I did continue to work out, but not as much, more maintaining than really building. I needed that, I took some mental "me" time, I took care of some things that was long overdue.
I made the Gotham Allstar 2015 squad, but January was a HARD month on me. Really hard! Even if it had amazing highlights, I have amazing roomies, I have an amazing brother that made my birthday fantastic and a whole bunch of supportive friends. AND me and Krissy Krash finalised our plans on blockerseekingjammer.com
Now it feels like I can see the light in the end of the tunnel, I guess you have to hit the low points to be able to appreciate the high parts. And I'm currently working on getting my body and mind completely ready for the 2015 season.
Practicing with Gotham Allstars is one of the most amazing experiances ever, but it is also super hard, and you are always expected to push yourself.
Currently I'm in Sweden for a two weeks to work, and since I've come home I've already been at Good to Go twice and had amazing work outs and my body is SORE! I was also invited by BSTRDs to come and join their practice. It was superduperfun to see a bunch of familiar faces from Stockholm Roller Derby.
