Good Bye 2012

2012 was one of the worst years in à long time.
I was burnt out before 2012 even began and then it just didn't get any better.
I am not gonna lie and say that it was an entirely terrible year, there were some great times, in roller derby terms probably one of my best, personal life probably one of the worst.
RollerCon was awesome, playing Team USA was great, getting third in Track Queens was amazing... I had great times traveling and seeing old friends and making new friends.
But this year has truly been a rollarcoaster, and I do really love rollarcoasters - but I prefer them in the amusement park over being my entire life.

I will make a month by month recap tomorrow - when I'm hiding from the sun here in Brazil. It truly is beating down furiously. In some way it feels very true and appropriate to start 2013 here, so far away from everything, it's a clean slate, it's a new beginning and I think I'm quite ready for it!

In Natal, Brazil

This has nothing to do with Rollerderby - it has to do with vacation! I have a great time with family, with sun, long walks on the beach and lots of food and more food... And of course some drinks...

On my way to Brazil

So I'm going to Brazil on vacation with my dad, stepmom, her parents and my two younger sisters... It will be a blast - we spent the night in Lisabon on our way... And my step grannies managed to lose their boarding cards for tonight's flight... Yeah... Minor panick that got fixed...

I managed to get away this morning to go for a walk around the hotel we spent the night at, it's quite a nice city. I totally wanna come back and see more of Portugal. I've taken a decision that 2013 is going to be a year of less derby and more life outside derby.

There are some major changes in my life, and I started to enjoy it... Very much, change is always hard but it's necessary. Coming to terms with who I am and that I love my friends and family and the past two weeks have really been special... And I've gotten some ral good pointers towards the future...

Last practice of 2012

First one hour of advanced practice and then mixed leauge. Mixed is also for the girls that have not passed minimum skills yet... I really, really, will miss derby those three weeks that I will not be skating... But on the fun side, I will be in Brazil and thinking about other things but skating!

warming up we even practiced some figureskating moves, i am terrible and Loony looks just as gracile as always!

Fluke is happy to be our reff

Loony loves the last practice of the year

I look silly as always

Siiinging and becoming a My Little Pony

So I have a great friend, his name is Andreas (Fluke), he can sing, I also have a great friend called Janica (Only), and she can REALLY sing, and so can Firebird and Linda too... and I can't... People really think I am kidding when I say I can't sing! But I am not! I really cannot sing, I am a complete disaster, but that doesn't mean I do not sing, I still sing. I think taht people were wishing I spared them from my amazing non-tradional versions of songs I used to love when I was younger...I have been butchering any song you love since karoke came my way...

So we got together and sang SingStar at Andreas place, well, they sang and I mumbled into the microphone, and then acted as the announcer in between songs. It was delightful... If you ever seen "My best friends wedding" I am just a tad WORSE than Cameron Diaz is in that movie... and this is not me trying to make anyone say "noooo, you are great" because I am very VERY aware that sining is NOT my talent... My friend Husse loves to point out how bad I am, just ask her! She will tell you!

I love how I just spent an entire blog talking about how bad I am at sining, but I really am! I am very ok with it, and I had a FANTASTIC night, and as soon as Andreas get som more Johnny Cash songs on Singstar - I will kick all of your asses (or not)

Oh, and before that I went and had Lady Lovely Blocks (Anna) at Extend cut my hair and put some lovley extenstions in my hair... I feel like a My Little Pony... there is something about this time of the year, I easily feel down, like I am falling head first into a very dark hole. So I figured that some pastel hair extensions could make me smile... I am smiling... so I guess it sort of worked. I AM NOW AN UNICORN!

I even got away with it at work... yay... I am an accounting Unicorn

I am a sexitary and Only is only her...

And tehn it was time for VERY competative duettes! 

Working out makes me happy!

There is no way around it, I just have to accept it. I have to work out to feel happy, I've been sick and off the grid for a bit, and BAaAAaM all that unattractive self-loathing starts showing. If I work out I sleep better and I feel better, I even eat better.
I just got back home from the gym and am about to head out for work...

I felt a little bad for my PT today, three weeks of not being able to work out - and coming back is never fun. I was WHINEY... "Uhhh, that is too heavy, UHHHh... that is too many" I don't think he was very impressed with me, but at least I feel better now.. Oh, goddammit, I never wanna be sick again and have to skip several weeks of working out, it just is NOT fun. On the other hand, I literally get depressed and can't fall asleep if I don't work out... so poor body, it's you or the brain... and brain is juuuust a liiiitle bit more precious...

Sunday was the first scrimmage since the Berlin tournament, and I got a charlie horse and twisted my finger... oh, the joy of roller derby. Oh, life... Oh life and the hard work my body longs for!

Still sort of dark out when I am returning from the gym to go to work

Digging the car out after a week

Yeah - it's out! Yay! I can now see my car!

Making a plan of 2013

So - I think that there will be lots of morning workouts - I have this urge to do so.

So it is...

Time to make decisions, time to move forward, time to figure out what I want. It's hard when there is so much I want and only limited time!

Spent the day with Becky, Kix and Kim watching lesbian movies and eating - now off to scrimmage with new rules...

Drinking coffee with Kristina and Becky 

There is snow and cold outside... I love it! 

Things I love

- rollerderby
- spreadsheets
- planning projects
- working out
- my family
- snow
- good food
- good beer
- being silly
- my friends
- laughing
- bad tv-shows
- talking politics
- kissing
- traveling
- to be cared for
- to care for
- nudie jeans
- dress up parties
- looking up facts
- spooning
- cooking
- drinking good wine someone else picks
- responsibility
- carefree times

Not skating - yet

I have not skated since Berlin - it's been a choice but also because of different circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to skate, and I LOVE rollerderby. But it's been kind of nice that for a few week to say: "sorry, I can't I am sick" or "sorry, I can't I have other plans" or even "Sure, that sounds stellar, let's meet at 19.00" instead of always saying " Sorry, I can't I have rollerderby"

Right after Track Queens in Berlin, I felt soo ready for 2013, we got medals, the team felt really strong and I felt strong. I still feel very much like 2013 will bring so many amazing things to Stockholm Rollerderby, but I just don't feel as pepp about it, not as ready to pick everything up all-over again and GO, GO, GO....

But maybe that is OK... 2012 is now just CHILL and KILL... I want to enjoy times with my friends, I want to do things because it's fun! AND I do want to start working out again... me and Becky are ready for some outdoor bootcamps... crawling in the snow high intensity... AND we have decided to pick up rugby during 2013.

2012 was a great and really REALLY shitty year... so I'm gonna take all teh great things from 2012 and enter into 2013 with lot's of energy and plans... 

When the SNOW came to Stockholm

I left home in a rush and wore the wrong shoes, this ain't no weather for heels, worked while blizzard was raging outside, I felt joy. I came home and my block had a black out and I had to take a shower in the dar with candles lit. And then I wore better shoes and made my way out again.

And when I came home... there was a black-out

this is what it looked like in the mornig

Stockholm Rollerderby are now full WFTDA members

And to celebrate that we had cake!

I decorated this one, maybe I have a future in this line of work?

New boots to keep the walk in

I fell in love with Nancy Sinatra a looong time ago, in my early teens, I remember getting my first Nancy Sinatra CD at some store in NYC on some trip to visit friends... I don't know why, but I know that "those boots are made for walking"  was what I first found. I adored Sinatra, I listened to her all the time, but not only her but Hole, Bikini Kill, Candy Suck, Levellers, Marlene Dietrich, Edith Piaff and an interesting mix of old school and newschool punk, not to talk about the electronic music I danced nights away too. I had about as an eclectic taste in music back then as I do now. I would lecture anyone on the unfairness of society and make out with all my female friend on the subway... to provoce, but also because I probably was a little closeted lesbian... who would have known...

I had big boots and I stopmed around in Stockholm, shaved head and thinknig I was TankGirl, I loved those boots, I got them in London with my mother, she would not lert me get the steeltoe ones, so my first boots were certainly not steelcaps, but they were bought in London, so I guess that was cool enough... I am quite sure this was not hte kind of boots that Nancy Sinatra were singing about... but it was what I imagine she meant.... I think my mother might have thrown them away when I left Stockholm at the age of 17-18, since I at that time only wore skater shoes...

 Well, I don't know... but it makes me sad... they are gone and I been thinking about buying a pair of new boots for years and years but I guess I just have not been ready until now. I just have not found  a pair that fit me, I am about as picky with my boots as I am with my skates... and this weekend I finally found the boots I wanted in my size...

It is winter here, it was about time, things are changing, I need to make my mind up, what lays ahead... I want to explore a whole new world in my boots... my converse gets to wet... 

My walk to work

My new boots that will take me places when they don't give me blisters no more

Swedish Skating Association network meeting

Reps from different leagues in Sweden are meeting in Gothenburg to discuss the future of Swedish rollerderby.

My rollerderby break is not going so good... It was supposed to happen right after Berlin...

I am not going to scrimmage - since i am too tired and still dont really feel like I'm 100% back from that darn flu that was followed by a cold.

Seriously... this is between you and me life

Finally it snowed, the rain trumming on my office window in combination of darkness was about to kill me. Now there is a blanket of soft snow outside, and for once my office is not underheated... well, well...  Easily satisfied... soon it's December... and I have bought half of the Christmas gifts for friends and family!
Still, there are those thoughts that have wings - that sweep around in my head - taking me places I am not sure I want to go.

LIFE this is between you and me! LIFE you like to screw me over, so I don't really know what to expect from the future, I have to start making new goals. Life the past months has been all about the Berlin tournament, all my practice all my work-outs have been with one goal, to place top three in Berlin, for me and my team.
When people have asked me to get a grip, to follow up on serious things, to engage in something that took time away from derby I have just answered "after Berlin" it almost became a mantra... "after Berlin, after Berlin, after Berlin, after Berlin"

AND NOW WHAT?

I was thinking about maybe it's time to retire, maybe it is time to do something else, something that is not rollerderby, but I honestly don't think I want to. Rollerderby has dug its claws real deep into me, and we have been together for five years now. Since I came home from Berlin I've been supersick and still mangaed to make a survey for the leauges skater what their goals and ambitions are for next season, my mind is already making plans for the upcoming season... yeah... and I was supposed to go on a derby break..

 I was thinking that maybe I would joint LARD (life after roller derby) but SERIOUSLY LIFE, what am I supposed to do? Do I really wanna have time to go on dates? Do I really wanna have time to paint, write and cook? Do I really wanna start playing another sport without the underlaying goal to be a better derby player? Am I prepared to miss a bout or even a practice because I am going on a skiitrip? Do I want more time for my family? Do I need more time for non-derby friends? Do I even have more than one non-derby friend? And do I really wanna spend more time at work?

Rollerderby is a mistress that needs lots and lots of attention, rollerderby is my lover that I do get annoyed with but that usually treats me real well, even when I have my worst days! I want to get better, I want to hit harder, I want to figure out the loopholes of the new rules, I want to even maybe start jamming again, just because I can, or maybe not. I don't know... I am sooo confused... LIFE, stop dealing me all those cards I don't even know how to play!

 I just know how to play derby really well...

Me and Master clashing/hugging photo by Marko Niemlä

Bench coaching is fun

So this weekend out B-team played a double header. Me and Only were supposed to bench, but the flu caught her and Loony had to jump in and fill her spot! And as you know - you gotta dress to the occasion and so we did.. I was a little hard since I for sure was not recovered from the 3 days of confinement to bed in high fever... I do not recommend to bench two bouts in a row after a really horrid case of teh flu... but with some painkillers and a "spexig" outfit - I just had to keep on going... adn because I think our B-team needed us.
Our B-team is so amazing and we did our best under the circumstances... Makes me real proud of Swedish rollerderby! Both Gothenburg and the team that mostly was made up by Västerås did great. I love teh fact that slowly we aer growing this awesome sport, and I must say, I love the dressing up as a bench manager, even if I barley wear make-up skating anymore.
The STRD vs. GBG bout ended up to be a real nailbiter - it came down to the last jam as so many other bouts I've watched lately... yikes... but it was a well played bout both for our BSTRDs and by GBG.
I was also really impressed by Västerås and friends who played a 40 min bout against out B-team, they really held thir own...

Oh and the theme of the bout was November Pain....

Lonni as Axl Rose and me as the ''blond dude in the band''

Just sick in the dark cold rain

Watching True Blood - I am coughing so hard I can't sleep. It's totally dark outside and it has been dark since 15.00 today... An it rains, cold big raindrops that just hammer into the ground...

You loose some, you win some

To be honest, I am so happy after Track Queens, what a show of European Derby - everyone Europe is playing rollerderby and we all worked really hard to make it happen! So amazing and stellar! I love it! I love it!

I'm finally feelin better, I got out of bed to take a shower and change my sheets, seriously, it made me EXHAUSTED! Damn, damn, damn... But I had my first cup of coffee in Four days... That felt great! Ahhhwwww...

Oh, and my tooth fell out when I was in Estonia on Tueaday, it's a fake tooth, and I didn't swallow it... I think some trauma to my face might have helped it a little in its journey out of my pearly whites... But hopefully it's just to attach it again... I just have not been able to make it to the dentist since I've been busy nourishing my flu that someone also gave me on Berlin... Well :-)

Now I'm gonna enjoy some LAD (life after derby) until derby strikes again... probably tomorrow when out B-team is playing....

The post tournament flu

I am seriously sick - may I say I hate being sick? I have not been able to get out of bed all day, I sweat like a pig and all my limbs are hurting and burning... It is nice to think about that we got third in the tournament! Yay!

We got medals! All I wanted was medals, for now.... Next time trophy... Everyone played so well this weekend!

And now I'm stuck I'm bed to sick to even do something productive on my computer. I just lay, lay and as mentioned above sweat in pain... I promise - it's not very attractive and you should be happy you are not around for this!

I am not surprised at all that I'm sick, it's been such an intense goal to place top three in Berlin, I really have put parts of my life on the back burner - and now I sort of feel like: and now what!? Now what? I know I said I'd go on a derby break - but I don't know if I know how to do that...

Damn, I got sick yesterday while on a business trip to Estonia, I was freezing the entire time, and when I finally got back to Sweden I was so tired and sick I couldn't even make it up into my bed, I just layed on the floor and cried for a bit while feeling lonely, sick and shitty...

In Estonia they tried to cure my flu with Jägertee

My mom served me icecream

The stable in Estonia

3rd in the first WFTDA European tournament... 

Back home from Berlin

Three bouts later and Stockholm Rollerderby came out third - we got medals! I didnt know i am so obsessed with medals - but apperently I am!

I could not be any more proud of my team and myself. We pulled it together and just went out and played rollerderby as a team. I love my team! WELLDONE!

And now, only seven hours after getting of the flight from Berlin, I'm on the way back to the airport to get on a flight to Tallinn, Estonia. Going on an over the day work trip... I'm usually really excited about those trips - today - not so much... Not at all...

And SERIOULY I've washed my hair TWO times since the Sunday afterparty and it still smell like smoke! What is it with Germans and having to smoke inside? It sucks, we had skaters that couldn't come to the afterparty because they are asthmatic - it sucks not vein able to celebrate with the entire team!

Oh and we made it into the Swedish Daily News SPORTS pages!

Rollerderby I love you

Hard work - new opportunities - new bouts and it all pays off!
My team impresses me everyday, you guys are so amazing - you push and push and play well!

I heart my team - and I am happy and truly impressed by every team at the tournament here in Berlin!

There been lots of great derby played!

I must say that the surprise of the weekend is Gent - good on them!

Go derby, go!!

When Gent was getting too close to Berlin

Life changes - and it's not that bad

Life is full of ups and downs - and 2012 was a down, down, down... Of course there ha been highlights and fun times, but I have had a struggle. I was burned out, I didn't stop and I possibly still have not stopped.

Friends, you are amazing - thanks for all the times you been there for me, and sorry for being such a mess.

 I will be there for you when you fall - just call! Thank you to all of you, you know who you are, you made me believe that trust and friendship is worth it!

Dinner at the derby collective with Kix, Becky and Madde

Suprise! We also got cheeeeze.. .adn some pears for Becky...

Last night was amazing, so unplanned and just great. We had dinner, and talked, ate some more, chatted, massaged each other, talked, and most important of all, we laughed and I felt alive, I felt at home.

Yesterday...

Went for a long walk in the dark and then home to make vegan cinnamon buns with Becky... Ended the night by sleeping with my trustworthy panda, who always loves to be spooned by me... Yeah...
Life is gooood... Beer is gooood and people are crazy....

Baking in a dress... hm... I'm content

Becky testing the vegan buns wearing her Christmas sweater

Stockholm by night

I have had panda since I was 9, we are close friends

Quality time with a friend

Cooking, doing nothing, sauna, drinking a few, talking and silence... Life is good!

Sauna and then standing outdoors... life is good

A beer with a bear with horns... maybe it should be drank in a bar...

Half butter, half potatoes... Janica making the best mashed potatoes ever...

Friend dates are sometimes the best dates ever... 

After work me and Janica met up and drove out to my mothers house, there is a souna there and a huge kitchen. We brought some beer, wine and lots of food... We ate the good, drank the drinks, heated up the sauna and chatted the night away. Sometimes it's good to just get away and spend sometime with a good friend.

Rollerderby its so much more than a sport to me

Today I watched Gotham win the Hydra, they deserved it, I know they worked really hard for it, but so did all those other teams. Rollerderby - oh - what a great championships it have been to watch, it is sad it's over, but it's probably for the best... I don't think I could handle any more excitement!

Rollerderby is more than a sport to me, it has a big chunk of my heart,... I get up some mornings because I know I get to skate in the end. I get up in teh mornings and go to the gym because I know it will make me a better athlete and athlete that will skate well with her team and commit fewer penalties because I am not tired.

I believe in rollerderby, the team play, the off-skate, the strategy, the love and the sometimes hate. I could be without some of the drama, so I don't create it, I try to run stairs instead...
Lets work hard and together - leave it on the track - because we have probably all given up something to be where we are today! We are friends that skate on other teams, treat each other with respect, we have all put this work into becoming so much better, give each other credit and remember the hard work that lays behind. We might not be friends on the track, but respect... respect... and more respect...

 Rollerderby let's always stay friends!!

WFTDA Champions watching...

Waiting for Gotham vs. Denver - Becky, Kim and Kix taking a nap...

During Oly vs. Minnesota

Me and Becky - we are broh's

Vegan venison stew... Becky, Dingus, Amy, Red and Kim

If you one day wanna play like the best, then you gotta watch and learn... so we spent all of the Saturday watching Championships... and it was great... Well, first me and Becky went running intervals, and then we went and watched the Royals bout...