Dec 18, 2013

Food is an issue and the best thing I know!

I am an athlete - I work out five times per week, and I expect my body to really step up an perform at every bout I play. I treat my body to nutrition and rest. I believe in myself and in my body to perform and be all it can be, with as much help from me as possible - me and my body coexist as that one being we are.

This might all sound strange to you, clearly the body and mind of the same being are one, but that used to not be true for me, and I think that is the same for many with me. I used to look at my body as something that needed to be controlled, something that limited me from who I really could be. Instead of listening to my needs and what my body craved I would decide it, because I could, because I wanted and needed that feeling of control. I still believe in pushing myself and my body, but in a healthy way, in a way I know I will perform better and will put a smile on my face.

I have never been obese, but for many years I felt like my body was disproportional, that my legs and ass didn't match up with my small breast and slender upper body. I always gain my weight on my thighs and ass... And an explosive sport such as snowboarding really made my legs HUGE in my late teens/early 20's. I hated my legs, and I was on constant diets and dreamed about getting a set of silicon boobs to even out the pear shape and make me more desirable. Or to be honest I was more or less dreaming of my legs to slim down, I wanted a boyfigure, I've always been more of a Twiggy fan, not so much Marilyn Monroe. My life wasn't made easier by friends commenting on my small chest, and I even had a friend who did have a boobjob before I met her tell me "Well, my orignal boobs were at least larger than yours". To clarify to everyone - NOW I do find my boobs very awesome as they are!

But when it came down to it all: It wasn't so much about being thin or having the perfect body, it was more about the control, the feeling of lightness and satisfaction when I completely had not eaten, when the world was the most confusing, I at least knew that I could control myself. It was about striving for a perfection that I could never reach, but still strive for. I remember myself as young as 13 living of only juice for weeks, juice and water, having to leave class every 30 minutes to pee, you have to drink a crazy amount of water to stave the hunger feelings. And even if it wasn't about being thin, it still was satisfying to hear "you look so skinny, you look so good" compliments, compliments.... And we still do that, compliment each other on the looks, and it's almost always about the extra kilos that have been shed.. Compliments with our own and all other girls weights in focus, we judge ourselves and each other, we get judged by strangers on a dayly basis. We just are expected to always be so darn perfect looking, so amazingly skinny, just naturally.

My relationship to food is still complicated, but more relaxed, I eat what I want, I avoid to overeat but also to undeat, I go to the gym and derby practice and I am very proud of when my muscles show and my body is looking good. I do still sometimes fall back in old patterns of not eating, and I have to look myself in the mirror and tell myself : "denying yourself food will never make you happier, just weaker and a little crazy" 

I know myself, and I dont ever want to be on a diet or any diet restriction, I know how fast I fall into letting my entire life revolve about food. I love cooking and eating, and I want to eat without any hesitations! I become a grumpy bitch if I don't eat! A skinny grumpy old bitch....

Eating is key... for a happy life! 

Damn I am hungry RIGHT now! 

1 comment:

  1. Känner igen mig! Och en sak som verkligen får mig och många av oss med dessa problem att må lite bättre - att vara hungrig eller skippa måltider är döden för derbyträningar, man orkar ingenting! För att kroppen ska orka med allt vad derby innebär (och som vi vet, derby är ju livet!) så är det viktigt. Superviktigt. Derby gör allt bättre på något vis.

    ..eller träning överhuvudtaget. Min kropp är extremt päronig.. smal pojköverkropp och aööt tung på ben och rumpa. Så instället för att banta bygger jag hellre upp överkroppen på gymmet så jag blir stadig och badass på plan!