Sep 10, 2014

Reflections, reflections and more reflections when in Stockholm

I guess I should have seen my tiredness coming, and the sudden retirement of DNN really got me thinking, that and som much more. I am in Stockholm and I´m jetlagged watching the fullmoon shine over the empty quiet lanscape outside of my mothers house. I love it here and I wonder why I always have to go...

A year ago I posted this : and I really did not slow down a single time since. I turned down a family trip to Brazil so I could manage and coach Wintergames in January  (yes the rest of Stockholm Rollerderby did a great job too, but this blog just happen to be about ME) and YES it was great to have my girlfriend come in and coach, but that is just not the point. I loved and still love Stockholm Rollerderby, I can't tell you how many hours I have spent of my office time, late nights and on the subway to answer e-mails, network, plan practices, book flights, print sceduals, find someone to coach other practices, figure out what to do when our hall space get cancelled ect ect... and I always felt stressed that I didn't do enough, that I wasn't living up tp expectations, and it wasnt always others, but also my own. I'm a strong athletic woman with endless time and energy...

I worked fulltime, went to school part-time and did derby fulltime... this is not a complain, this is just a fact. I didn't really like my job, I stayed on because it was a good source of income. I felt lonely with my girlfriend so far away and most of all, I felt underapreciated, and I know I was apreciated. I still didn't feel like I was good enough, with my hamstring healing much slower than I wanted and constanly being in pain, it made me push harder and harder. I am competative and I wanted to win at life, in rollerderby, in love, in everything.

At the end of the May I was just miserable and I knew I needed a break, a cut off, a get away. And I did... I wasn't ready to leave rollerderby so I went back to NYC. I slept, and I slept and I skated, skated and skated,. And I slept more and some more... the healing of sleep can not be underestimated. I also did some major staring into the wall and writing all my anxiety away.  I went to NYC because I needed to push myself harder in rollerderby, because rollerderby is that important of a component in my life, it was: sink or swim, and I was swimming for my dear life! I needed to progress my own skills and I needed to grow stronger and build some trust in myself. I needed to be somewhere where I felt it was ok to be just me. And I have grown stronger, I learn something new every practice, and I push, push myself because I allow myself to try new things all the time. I cannot thank OMG and Bonnie enough for letting me crash in their extra room to gain myself back.

When I got the email that I made the Gotham Allstars Charter, I felt really proud and I can't deny that my eyes teared up, because it meant a lot to me, it did not only mean that I'm a skilled skater but a teamplayer. Going to Sacramento was amazing, it is the first tournament I have ever gone to and not being rostered,  saw my team go out and perform, and I felt excited that I belonged to this team. Not gonna lie, I much rather be playing, and I will push myself at every practice to be rostered for next time. I will listen, learn and try, fall and get up again. I know I am a part of the team and being at practice we challange each other, and in that way we all become better and better and better.

I miss coaching very much, and at Sacramento this weekend TARAism came up to me, and told me how my coaching had helped her. (She studued abroad in Sweden for a year and skated with Stockholm Rollerderby) It made me warm and fuzzy inside, it also made me miss Stockholm Rollerderby.

I am very proud of being a part of Gotham, it's my home but so is Stockholm... and I often miss Stockholm Allstars, we have had som many great times together, trips, practices, meetings and dreams. We went to Florida and played three amzing bouts, we almost beat Houston, we were 50 points away from Steele City, we did get our asses kicked by Tampa... but we weren't steamrolled.

I still left Florida feeling like I had let the team down, we werent gonna go to D2 playoffs, and at the same time I got my heart broken and I had to sit myself on a flight to London to play with Team Sweden and try to smile, smile, smile even if I was breaking into a thousand pieces .  I just wanted somone to shake me and hug me and say I did amazing things. I got lost in London (like REALLY lost ) and got yelled at and I broke into a thousand pieces on the inside but kept on smiling as much as I could.

 At that point I realised I had to take off. I needed a vacation from who I had taken on to be. 

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