Let's work it out

Back in NYC!

Watching play-offs all weekend and being excited about rollerderby and how well my friends are doing out on the track. The restlessness of the city makes me want to run. I am going to start running, every morning. I just realised I have lost weight, I don't know why, maybe because I just don't cook as much here.

I just moved in with Viscious and Violet, we named our apartment TripleThreatHive, we are feeling good about it. One day I will write all about the wonders of aparmenthuntin in NYC, it's sort of a fun thing. Well, scratch that... it is sort of a funny thing, if you are into dealing with idiots and a market that is going rampage. 

I miss trees, I miss nature, I miss mountains, I Love NYC but it makes me crave something really far away, something that isn't tamed. NYC is everythign but tamed, it's a human created wilderness, with a constant buzz, it still will never have the power of nature to make you feel like the tinest thing in the world and nothing you do can really have an impact. , I miss the quietness that a city never can provide. The constant sounds are what drives me, but also what makes me want to run, run and run. I have this urge to lay down and smell earth, I feel bad for them whom never really had the opportunity to be in away from this all.

This summer I sat and looked out over a landscape of woods, woods, woods and more woods, the full moon was making it able to see the mountains and it was warm enough to just wear short sleeves. I am not a countrygirl, I grew up in suburbia, I still had the opportunity to pick wild berries and make jam, to pick mushrooms and eat, to see deer and moose, in the wild. I wish for my children to have this too, if I have children.

And yet, I love the skating here, I love Gotham, I love the team, I love that I for each day learn something about myself, as a skater and as a person. I have so many wants and desired that I ometimes think that life can never last long enough.

What does this all mean?

To be honest, I don't know, I don't know at all! I just know that I am willing, able and going to roll with the punches and that only I can ever take my own destiny in my hands.

Those days and nights we have

Matter of fact, I am always working hard towards something... for each passing day I realise what I love, waht I miss and how those things don't always go along.
There is nothign I love more than the north, I love the quietness of tundra, of mountains, the clean air, the softness of snow falling on your face. The sound of the crust of the snow cracking under your foot in the morning. (In swedish there is a word for it, it's skare, according to my translating app, they call it crust in English.)

I think growing up in the North you really appreciate summers, those nights that never end, and we never sleep, just to catch up on all that sleep in the winter.

And yet I find myself in NYC, a place where there is far from tree to tree and I'm slightly always on the go. This city moves me, the muggy days, the hot summer, the freezing nights and most of all the ROLLERDERBY. I came back, because I can't stay away, my most quiet experiances are sitting on the roof of a building in Brooklyn.

One day... mountains, horse and all that will happen... one day... but just not yet.. 

Todays first world problem

Those clothes were sweaty and also need to be cleaned...

I put laundry on in the basement of my building, I went and worked out, I put everything in the dryer while I went upstair into my apartment and took a shower. I laid down on my bed wrapped in my towel to realise that everything I was wearing for my trip to NYC was in the dryer.

WHAT TO DO?

(what I did, I threw on a fancy dress and grabbed my stuff)

Stockholm, I love you

Stockholm is really the most beutiful city in the world, there is no way to argue that it's not. I love it so much!
I walk through the city in the night, and I walk through it during the day... and I love it, my heart aches because I love it so much. 

Rugby...rugby...rugby

I have this sudden urge to start playing rugby, it's really weird... It's been an itch for years now... and I fear I am probably too old and it does look painful... and I would hate to get hurt and not being able to play rollerderby... but still... rugby looks like it's soo much FUN!

If I dont talk to you it's probably because I'm shy

I am terrible at smalltalk, I am terrible at talking to people I don't really know. Those are social skills that I fail at. If YOU don't strike a conversation with me, I probably will not talk to you, and it's not because I don't like you, it's prbably because I don't really know what to say.

I am not the greatest at social situations, and I know it. I am goofy, have a short attention span, forget things ALL the time and MAJOR time management problems. I also get easily distracted, by everything!

I am great at lots of things, but small talk and striking conversation is not two of them. I used to refuse to answer the phone at work for a long time, because I hated to talk to strangers on the phone. I sometimes have a hard time to strike conversation with people I know for a long time. I am not one to just talk, I try sometimes, but I'm not brilliant at it, I usually feel a little flustered and probably end up saying somethign goofy.

My hearing is also terrible, just aweful, in any bar or place where there is lot's of background noise, I will not be able to keep up in a conversation. I usually smile and nod, I have probably agreed to lots of dumb thing, just because I couldn't follow the conversation...

I guess what I wanted to say with this post is that: Just because someone doesn't talk to you doesn't mean they are ignoring you. Sometimes a small ting like just walking up to someone and ask them what you really have on your mind makes it all easier. No one I know is a mindreader, and I will for sure not know what you are thinking if you don't tell me... it is a two-way thing, and I TRY to get better, but often it's just easier to talk to people I already know... because I am shy!

This doesn't really have much to do with it text, I stole it from Onlys facebook because it's awesome and totally on point!




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Reflections, reflections and more reflections when in Stockholm

I guess I should have seen my tiredness coming, and the sudden retirement of DNN really got me thinking, that and som much more. I am in Stockholm and I´m jetlagged watching the fullmoon shine over the empty quiet lanscape outside of my mothers house. I love it here and I wonder why I always have to go...

A year ago I posted this :http://swedehurtgoesfit.blogspot.se/2013/09/i-am-just-so-damn-me.html and I really did not slow down a single time since. I turned down a family trip to Brazil so I could manage and coach Wintergames in January  (yes the rest of Stockholm Rollerderby did a great job too, but this blog just happen to be about ME) and YES it was great to have my girlfriend come in and coach, but that is just not the point. I loved and still love Stockholm Rollerderby, I can't tell you how many hours I have spent of my office time, late nights and on the subway to answer e-mails, network, plan practices, book flights, print sceduals, find someone to coach other practices, figure out what to do when our hall space get cancelled ect ect... and I always felt stressed that I didn't do enough, that I wasn't living up tp expectations, and it wasnt always others, but also my own. I'm a strong athletic woman with endless time and energy...

I worked fulltime, went to school part-time and did derby fulltime... this is not a complain, this is just a fact. I didn't really like my job, I stayed on because it was a good source of income. I felt lonely with my girlfriend so far away and most of all, I felt underapreciated, and I know I was apreciated. I still didn't feel like I was good enough, with my hamstring healing much slower than I wanted and constanly being in pain, it made me push harder and harder. I am competative and I wanted to win at life, in rollerderby, in love, in everything.

At the end of the May I was just miserable and I knew I needed a break, a cut off, a get away. And I did... I wasn't ready to leave rollerderby so I went back to NYC. I slept, and I slept and I skated, skated and skated,. And I slept more and some more... the healing of sleep can not be underestimated. I also did some major staring into the wall and writing all my anxiety away.  I went to NYC because I needed to push myself harder in rollerderby, because rollerderby is that important of a component in my life, it was: sink or swim, and I was swimming for my dear life! I needed to progress my own skills and I needed to grow stronger and build some trust in myself. I needed to be somewhere where I felt it was ok to be just me. And I have grown stronger, I learn something new every practice, and I push, push myself because I allow myself to try new things all the time. I cannot thank OMG and Bonnie enough for letting me crash in their extra room to gain myself back.

When I got the email that I made the Gotham Allstars Charter, I felt really proud and I can't deny that my eyes teared up, because it meant a lot to me, it did not only mean that I'm a skilled skater but a teamplayer. Going to Sacramento was amazing, it is the first tournament I have ever gone to and not being rostered,  saw my team go out and perform, and I felt excited that I belonged to this team. Not gonna lie, I much rather be playing, and I will push myself at every practice to be rostered for next time. I will listen, learn and try, fall and get up again. I know I am a part of the team and being at practice we challange each other, and in that way we all become better and better and better.

I miss coaching very much, and at Sacramento this weekend TARAism came up to me, and told me how my coaching had helped her. (She studued abroad in Sweden for a year and skated with Stockholm Rollerderby) It made me warm and fuzzy inside, it also made me miss Stockholm Rollerderby.

I am very proud of being a part of Gotham, it's my home but so is Stockholm... and I often miss Stockholm Allstars, we have had som many great times together, trips, practices, meetings and dreams. We went to Florida and played three amzing bouts, we almost beat Houston, we were 50 points away from Steele City, we did get our asses kicked by Tampa... but we weren't steamrolled.

I still left Florida feeling like I had let the team down, we werent gonna go to D2 playoffs, and at the same time I got my heart broken and I had to sit myself on a flight to London to play with Team Sweden and try to smile, smile, smile even if I was breaking into a thousand pieces .  I just wanted somone to shake me and hug me and say I did amazing things. I got lost in London (like REALLY lost ) and got yelled at and I broke into a thousand pieces on the inside but kept on smiling as much as I could.

 At that point I realised I had to take off. I needed a vacation from who I had taken on to be. 

Going to Sacramanto Playoffs

I will be going to Sacramento with Gotham in just two days, tonight is the last practice before we take off. I am VERY proud to be a part of Gotham Allstars again, and I am learnign something new everyday!

I have so much on my mind right now. Life is a curious thing, and the thoughts that are running around in my head are many and utterly confusing.

Can't wait to be in Sacramento!