Dec 22, 2014

When they say expect the unexpected, this was not what I think theymeant, or maybe it was.

For some reason I have A Camps song "Love is stronger than Jesus" echoing in the back of my head right now. IF you havent heard it i strongly recommend it... Well, this post is not really about rollerderby, because sometimes life and love happens.

They say that love will strike unexpected, and that you never know with who or when. About eight years ago I told my mom that I probably never would bring home a boy again, and then I came out to all my friends. Maybe, just maybe I came out to my friends first and then I told my mother who of course told my father, because that's how it works in my family, there are no secrets. That's probably why my brother never have brought home a girlfriend. He's probably the smarter one of us.

Me on the other hand brought home a few girlfriends, my family never cared who I dated as long as they treated me well and I was happy. They always treated my partner as my partner, like a person that I was involved in, some they liked more than others. 
I've been really out and proud, i was even on a TV-show called Flator (aka Lesbians). 

 Being gay in the rollerderby community probably is one of the most comfortable experiences. My sexuality and love was never questioned and I never really questioned it myself, it just was never an issue. I love the friendships I've gained through Vagine Regime, and I truly believe that you fall in love, you fall in love and you look past gender just the way you look past so many other things when you fall in love, but that's me, that is who I am. I just didn't think it really applied to me, looking past genders I mean.

 But it all began when me and Kenbo decided to play reallife Tinder, a joke of course since tinder terrifies me, and hitting on on people at the bar is even worse... But we gave it a good (unsuccessful) go, maybe because we were too sober, maybe because it was Sunday, maybe because it was a terrible but hillerious thought that never should be put into action. 

So I found myself walking home with Violet who I live with and this dude. I didn't really know him that well, I knew he was a friend of my friends, played for NYSE and I thought he was attractive, for a few reasons. He was kindly escorting us home since we live in such a lovely neighbourhood, and probably also because we are such delightful company. When we got home we (probably me) offered him homemade cheesecake, one of those things that happen to frequent our refrigerator. (Thanks to Vish) He looked so adorable and a little lost on our couch when we ran around the apartment and I sat down next to him. And we talked, and we talked, and we talked.... and later that night he leaned in and kissed me, and I kissed him back.

 I didn't fall in love with him then, and maybe not the next day when he took me on a date and maybe not for a while, but my heart flutters when I hear his voice and I miss him when I'm not with him. I don't know where this is going, I don't know at all, and it confuses me and it makes me worry. I can't help it, and he just happen to be a he, and it's all so crazy weird to tell your mom "yeah, I'm seeing someone, it's a guy". It sort of is like coming out to the world again, and NO I'm not straight, I'm in love! (Well, you know what I mean)

 I probably shouldn't put so much value on his gender, because I really don't care, he's got a beard and a penis, so what!? IF I don't care, why should anyone care?

 Him is what I fell for, the way he takes my hand when we walk down the street, how he tries to make me understand rhythm, how he buys me icecream when I want it and how he always has iced coffee on his way to work, how I can block him, and how frustrated I get when he get past me. How he looks at me. And the way I feel when I'm with him, and it also brings me to the point where I miss him being half a world away. 

 He's in New York and I'm in Stockholm and it makes me feel lonely.


  1. I am so happy that you are in love. You are one of the derby players I look up to and I think it was really great when you decided to go and play fot GGRD again, such a huge step! Love is blind and it does not care about gender. You live your life, love with passion and be the awesome person I think you are.

  2. Sitter och läser din blogg och vill bara tacka för det här inlägget. Samma sak hände mig i vintras (förutom att mina känslor var obesvarade och jag aldrig fick utforska möjligheten att dejta en kille). Detta var nog mer omtumlande än när jag som 16-åring insåg att jag gillar tjejer. Jag förstår fortfarande ingenting. Känns lite bättre nu när en av mina derbyförebilder varit med om något liknande. Tack för att du skrev.