This year have been a year I've learned much about myself, I've spent over a year to deal with old memories that have been haunting me. I've slowly have started to unfold things from my past, things that I have buried under layers of memories because I never wanted to think about it.
I have started to allow myself to be myself.
It have been a quest and things keep on popping up, things that I thought had no significance, and when I think about it, maybe it did.
This year started in Brazil pretty much and that is also where it will end...
Maybe it sucks that I watch this, and I recognize myself in parts of this. And maybe even more worrysome is that I feel that the first thing I need to write is, NO I DON'T THINK ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS. I think humans are wonderful people capable of giving so much love and caring to each other, both men and women.
I really do NOT think that all guys are rapists. I do think that our society allow for a pattern where guys are allowed to treat women in a degrading way, where we ourselves have a double standard for men and women promiscuity.
I know this because I grew up in it.
When guys pulled my hair as a child, I was told by adults to ignore them, because they did it because they liked me. And apparently it is OK for little boys to express their affection by causing little girls pain. What kind of signal does that send to children? That girls should tolerate to get hurt because someone likes them, and that boys are OK to show affection via violence?
Sexuality is a not an easy topic to approach. We are very bound by the culture we grew up in, and the patterns we were taught. It is such a complex issue and at times it is hard to figure out if it was the wrong thing, and sometimes no one did the wrong thing, sex under the influence can for sure be consensual and amazing. There is nothing wrong with one-night stands, they happen often for some people and never for other, doesn't make either of you a less worthy person. It be easy to say, "don't get drunk", but that would be like telling people not to have sex, it will still happen.
But where do tings go wrong? A long time ago I ran into a friend at the local grocery store. Me and a friend had just gotten down from a long day of riding. We are chatting about how great the riding was, taunting our friend about him having to work all day. What good was it to be sponsored if he still had to miss great days like this. And just causually he tells us about the party at his house the night before. People were getting drunk. This girl liked him, he knew that, she was drunk, he was drunk, they had sex. She passed out in his bed. He went downstairs. He didn't care much for her, so he told someone else at the party that she was willing and this guy went up to the room, and then another of his roomates. He told it as if it was a funny joke.
I remember just thinking that I was happy I wasn't that girl. And both of the guys laughed, I might have had too, it was how it was. I hated myself for it.
And I think the last thing that girl should have been told was that it was her own fault for being drunk and feeling up for something with that one dude. She is probably the one that will feel guilty about it, ashamed and maybe even disgusted by herself.
I have lots of stories like this from those years. You toughened up. Wore baggy jeans and fell into the pack mentality, I hid in the mountains.
We have to understand that by saying that women should not get drunk and dress in a certain way, we are actually saying that all men are rapists, that they can not contain themselves. If both women and men were more OK with their own sexuality, maybe this would not be such an issue. If slut shaming was not such a thing, maybe girls would not feel so bad after a drunkan night of sex, because sometimes things happen. Sometimes you do not want it rubbed in your face. Who you sleep with is your business. We all judge harshly and quick, instead of seeing the big picture. Care more, we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect.
Alcohol is damned, and for sure a reason for many regrets. But even in the most drunkan stage, each and everyone must understand that a passed out person cannot give consent, and sex is off the table. It just is! Sex can be something awesome and just pleasurable between two people, but if one of the people aren't awake, how can both enjoy it. I totally think that if you are into having multiple partners, you should, and if you like to have a few drinks and fuck your brains out, please do it. But a no, I am no longer into it, is a NO. And I know this is hard to understand when you have raging hormones and alcohol in your system. Still, that sense of doing something wrong should be so deep down rooted in us that we can stop. Just like when we are about to hit someone and stop ourselves.
We all have potential to do horrible things, we are all potential killers, otherwise there wouldn't be as many wars as there are. Humans want to fit in, we want to be a part of the group, and we follow the patterns we are taught, the patterns that our society created and allows us. I think almost all of us have laughed at a joke that made us uncomfortable at more than one time.
We all have free will, we have the power to NOT laugh at a joke, not to slutshame other women, to live our lives and be kind to others. That time so many years ago, I probably should have looked at my friend and said "you know that is rape, and you are a fucking idiot". I didn't, because I prefered to belong than be the outcast, because I didn't believe that anyone would stand up for me, because no one did when it happened to me.
We have the will and the power to change, and we are stronger as a group, we do things better together. We all do things wrong once in a while, but we are here to help each other, to make the world a better place to live, to create a pattern where respect each other.
Me and Dykestalker blocking together
Photo by Paul Delooze
A long time ago I moved back to Sweden, or even before I moved back, we started up VR Nordic. I've been skating on Team Vagine since 2008, and it was only natural for me to be a part of starting up a Nordic chapter, of something that have given me soo much.
VR Nordic played our first game against Crime City Rollers a few years back, during the Derby Festival and then it seem like we have gotten invited to play a game each year.
VR Nordic has been a very fun experiance, and I love to be able to hang out with some of the best Queer skaters of the Nordic countries and just have a relaxed and fun game. Me, Only and Pygmi have been making sure there has been merch and that games are set up. Currently I have 25 VR shirts at my house I have to mail out... Has to wait until after this weekend and my semester is over... UGH...
Well, nevermind... this year we secured a game against VR UK in Birmingham, during a mens tournament. Except from neitther of us being a big fan of Birmingham, we're all keen on playing. We had some new additons to the roster such as Dykestalker from CCR and BlowMe from Stockholm and Team Norway skater Yoshibitchu. Also Fenix from Team Sweden joined us for the first time... and the bout was SO MUCH FUN!
I played an entire bout without a single penalty, and that felt really good. It was my first bout in a long time, and it totally made me remember why I do love rollerderby so much! Everyone seemed to have such a good time and played so well together.
We all went out for dinner together for an all you can eat, a little spicy for some of the queers, but some beers and we were ready for the lesbian bar... and we tore that place up! We CLOSED that place!
and we did win at the pool table... after some hard fought times! Good times with the locals!
I got invited down to Gothenburg to coach their mens team, Salty Seamen, I know... great name... wait until you see their logo... it is JUST a fish, I promise. Well, now when that is out of the minds... It was fun to coach, to be honest, I was a little nervous the first hour, it has been a long time since I went and coached. But everyone seemed really happy, and I think everyone learned a few new things and pushed themselves outside their comfortzone.
The camp was acctually co-ed, and I dont think I have coached co-ed before, but it really is not that much of a difference. Well, guys are bigger, and YES they in general are.
I am a "big" girl with my six feet frame, and I usually weigh about 170 pounds (we are talking about this later). But most women are not my frame, I am not the avarage, and nor is the tiniest guy on the team. SO yes, guys are in general bigger and more muscular than women players. Playing with men, I have to contain even more, and hit even less. I can't hit people that weigh that much out of my way, and if I wanted to, I would have to crazy SWING at them, and that is usually not advicable, ever.
We worked on walls, walls, walls, skills and some offence, and on Sunday we ended it with a 2 hour scrimmage, and I joined in and scrimmaged. Made me miss skating with NYSE a little, but I had a REALLY good time! This is what I love doing, skating with different people, and learning from coaching others. Understanding your and others strength and weaknesses... makes you and your team better.
I had a really good time, and it felt good to be back coaching! Made me wanna watch and coach more derby and analyze how we all can get better... I need more friends to do that with...
